Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy,
like art... It has no survival value;
rather it is one of those things
that give value to survival.
~C.S. Lewis
Friendship. Something that surrounds us daily. It consumes us almost more than relationships with significant others do. It's something that has its ups and downs, it's bright spots, and just as many patchy spots. It even has it's own page on Wikipedia. If that isn't making the big time, then I'm not really sure what is. The thing that confuses me me though is that even for the hundreds of words that litter the Wiki page, you still can't find the answer to the most important question that I can seem to think of: How does it work? How does a person decide that they are going to be friends with another, and how to find the will and connection to keep the friendship going. How does one person suddenly decide that THIS person is worthy to take part in the adventures you're going to embark on, dry your tears when you make a bad choice, and laugh with you when you make poor choices together? To make sexual comments about everything, and to openly hate the same things together. Where do you decide it's a legitimate choice to make them part of your life, and to let them in? That they won't replace you, and you can count on them.
I've run into a reoccurring situation in my life. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's something every young adult, young woman, person, whatever runs into. I find myself pushing people away, for fear of being too close and being let down. For fear of letting people down. For fear of things not turning out right. I mean, I also don't put up with bullshit, which doesn't help either. Actually, that's also a big factor. Either way though, being close to people just isn't something I jump into. Which makes forming friendships hard. Which makes forming anything beyond a surface level friendship hard.
And I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be able to trust unwittingly. To close my eyes and let go. To accept that I'm not going to lose my friends next year, even though I'm not going to be three feet away from most of them. That I'm not going to let people down, at least knowingly. I mean, look at Kyle and I. Even if that derp decides to stay down in De Pere for the summer, I know it's not going to change our friendship. He's always going to be my best friend, and I'd like to think he'd say the same thing. I know that no matter what, I could call him at 3 AM and he'd be there.
I look at that, and I made it through the past two years. Sure, it's hard. And I cry lots of time because he's not five minutes away when I feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, I know it's one of the best experiences he could have ever gotten, and I know I'm doing fantastic here too. That we can survive while apart, but still become joined at the hip once he comes home again, or when I go and visit.
So I get confused. Why can I so undeniable trust Kyle with my life, but I'm afraid that those who are in the closest vicinity are going to be the ones who vanish? Why can't I accept that they mean a lot to me, and I hope I mean a lot to them? That we get along, and they know me, more than sometimes I think I know myself. That I didn't make a wrong choice letting them into my life, and that I actually don't want them to ever replace me. That they won't replace me. That I matter to them as much as they matter to me.
I want my friendships. And I want others to want my friendship as well. I don't want to hold back anymore. I just want to be accepted, and accepting.
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