Because I knew you, I have been changed for good

I don't know where my belief ends in the ghost, spirit, soul world. I don't know what ACTUALLY happens when a person dies. When their last breath is exhaled and their hands have gone cold. What happens after all the hustle and bustle of a funeral is done, and all that's left is the sadness.

I want to think it's a happy place, what everyone refers to as a 'heaven' of sorts. And for people who have left my life thus far, I think they deserve the recognition of being in that place. I wish everyday that they could be here, but hell. If they can't be, then I think they deserve the chance to be kicking it old school style, up where the grass really is greener, and all the troubles from mortal life have vanished.

The thing is though, is I don't actually know. I don't know if they still know I think about them everyday, or that I still dream about them. I don't know if they come back and check on me at night, and make sure that I'm still happy, hopeful, the young girl at heart they once knew.

There's a reason behind this musing, a reason behind the thoughts that have settled in my brain. Strange things, strange thoughts, strange occurrences. I mean, the old random people showing up outside my door yesterday to ask me if I thought I was going to heaven probably didn't help my squirrel brain either. Nor did my mom saying it was a sign they showed up help slow the process down at all.

Am I going to some mystical after party for life? Or am I just going to be a pile of ash in an urn somewhere. Will I be reincarnated as a horse, or as a human? A snake, or a bug? Or is it really the end once my heart goes. Once the struggle ends, is it really the end.

Besides, what does dying even feel like? How do you know? How can you know? Where does it all come together so a person can accept it..or does it just happen. Does the big mouth called life cut you off and send you out without so much as a chance to say goodbye.

How can you prep yourself for something like that happening, when you can't even bear to think about it? God, it makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack in the middle of the Den just thinking about it. I don't want to die. And I don't want anyone else to die.

I want my parents to stop talking about "Well, if something happens to us."
I want my grandma's to stop aging.
I want Connor to be my brother, at my side, till the end of the world.
I even want Tootsie to fight through it all and live forever too.

I want to know all the answers. Because I think if I knew, it might be easier. To get a grip, to talk it out. To let it go so I can stop dreaming about it.