Off with your head

I don't really have time to blog.

I don't really have time to do everything I need to right now actually.

 However, I just need to get this out there.

I hate ends, I hate leaving. I hate feeling left.

I really just want to cry, and absorb the fact that I am forever moving out of 253. That I'm leaving my home for the past two years. That I'm leaving these ladies I call my other family, and that they get to come back....without me.

I don't want to leave.

My room is only 1/3 packed and it's now no longer my room. It is slowly losing the essence of me, and in five months, it's going to become someone else's room. It's going to become their space, and they are going to get to make a world for themselves here.

I just hope that they appreciate these ladies, these walls, this world as much as I do.

I'm not living if you're not right by my side

That moment of complete hope, when you find your Grandpa's old Twitter account.

And the feeling of complete loss, and desperation when you realize that it doesn't mean you get to talk to him.

Your heart drops, you head falls, and the tears you don't want to feel come pouring out.

It's the sudden realization that you don't get to hear his voice again, or get any words of wisdom about life, boys, school, swimming.

That it's just an empty account, a lost part of his internet explorations that we forgot to clean up after he died.

It's just that extra slap of reality that he's gone physically. That it's another birthday without him. Another Memorial Day, another summer, another August 8th, another start of the school year, without the Labor day weekend trip.

And even though you get all those memories from all the fantastic years before, there isn't anything you wouldn't give to get one more day.

Just one more day.

One.
More.
Day.

To just say everything again. To hear his stories about his life, and about Mom as a kid. To get to tell him I have his bear, and hear his story about it. To take him to camp, and to fish. To go shopping with Princess, and take her to the vet. To eat grilled cheese, and a full jar of pickles just at one lunch. To make breakfast. To have him teach me his extra tricks on making the best Swedish Pancakes (besides my mothers). To take pictures of our day together, and to have portraits of him.

To just say "I miss you. I love you."

To let him realize that how much of an impact he made on my life.

Who would have thought one Twitter account, two tweets, and an emotional wreck of a person could cause so many issues?

But I'm doing all I can

I can't seem to get my footing.

To catch my balance, and to figure it all out.

I don't know if you've ever been to an old school fair. Either way, here's a little visual to help explain my thoughts on my life right now.

Here in da yoop, they have them all over. And every single one has those lumberjack competitions. They always have one in particular where they all stand on a log, balancing in the water, and spinning till they can find that perfect place to balance on. They have their spiked shoes on, and it honest to god looks like something out of an old time movie.

I feel like I'm in some skewed version of it; except mine's Lumberjack: The College life. One spin forward, three running spins back. Half way forward, and two steps to the right. Dancing and hoping that the spikes of my shoes are going to find somewhere to stick. Somewhere I can finally have a breather, a little relaxing space.

Till it all starts again.

Until the game of life starts spinning again. But hell, I'll treasure those three seconds of breathing space more than even I think I know.

Fairy tales are full of shit

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I like the idea of blogging like this

I listen to so many songs, 

so it only makes sense 

to find a way to integrate them physically in my posts

rather than just mentally, or through my titles

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.

I mean, I get inspired by so many things

but having a song  pounding through my skull while I type

has to be the best creative motivation I can think of

the beat, the words, the thoughts

the cliche relations I can find within

You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

This just happens to be my creativity at this moment

I don't know exactly why this song's making me think

maybe because a bad relationship is the basis

of some of the issues I've been seeing lately

Or to be be more specific, the catalyst 

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I think she would have left us anyways

She just happened to have an addiction to the wrong guys

Comparable to the amounts of gay men I find

Gay men, bad boys

a terrible comparison but still. 

The point is ...

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

As lonely as I can get sometimes

between my own thoughts

and the opinions of everyone around me

and the pressure from the couples

I haven't given up my standards

If happy ever after did exist,

I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
One more stupid love song, I'll be sick

That even those fairy tales are really full of shit

That things do work out eventually

but settling isn't ever going to get me there

the place where happiness exists

I'm glad I've figured that out

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

That finding my fairy tale can be on terms

and I don't have to feel like I'm not worth something

just because I'm not

sucked into a "since there isn't 

anything better " relationship

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

That my paradise will be mine

because I've made it that way

I didn't waste months of my life

just because I was afraid

to be lonely

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I mean, what good is a memoir 

when at the end there wasn't a rough path

a couple of dark patches

some lonely spaces

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone

Not to sound cliche again

but what's the fun in the bright spots

and trusting someone to take care of you

if you haven't had the chance

to take care of yourself

first?

[Wiz Khalifa]
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button

So in the end

I'm glad I saw her downfall

as much as it brought about the downfall

of the family I know, and love

and care about 

until the end of time

Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my show,
You can tell it I'm ballin.

It's given me the opportunity to witness

exactly what I don't want to be

exactly where I don't want to be

exactly where 

I WILL NOT END UP

Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
that little piece of shit with you.

Because I'm not going to be like that

Family First, 

Hoes before Bros

Me, Myself and I

Whatever you want to say

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I'm going to be strong

and not feel like I have no where to go

except to someone who treats me poorly

because I know enough

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.

One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone...

That I'm worth more than that
To myself,

and to everyone else that knows me

and if a guy doesn't see it

then I don't need him anyways

I can't wait for the night to be...

The post I wouldn't post until I got my bear:

I thought I could avoid it, them, everything.

I really thought I could.

I thought that passing by him daily on campus would be the limit to my interaction with them for the rest of her life.

I was wrong. But you know what, I don't care. Because getting that bear means more to me than anything. I'd sit there and listen to her bitch about everyone in my family, and spit lies till her face turns blue if it means I can have that bear. That I can have that part of my grandpa. And that she can't.

She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to look like me, or make my mom's life hell almost everyday because she won't have contact with us. She doesn't get the right to lie about one of the greatest men I've ever known, because my grandpa is one of the reasons I have such high standards for men. She doesn't get to make my grandma feel belittled, or wrong. She doesn't get that right to do that to any of us anymore.

Maybe the bear won't change that much. Maybe it won't do anything besides give me the satisfaction of going to see her, and being strong.  For giving my mom this opportunity to ask for this one thing, to have the satisfaction of having her respond. Maybe the only thing is that I'll have something from my grandpa, that's going to mean more to me than I can put into words.

The post I'm writing now, with my bear right next to me:

I've got it. And it's bittersweet.

Because now I've opened up the can of worms for the family again.

I don't like to hear my grandma cry over you, because you don't deserve it anymore.

You don't deserve anything from any of us. Which is why I didn't give you the satisfaction of telling you everything about you I despise.  You don't get to make any of us feel this way anymore.

I have Grandpa's bear now. I love him, and I'm going to keep him safe. I did what I could, and I just wish I could have gotten it back earlier. But I have him now.

And that's the end of the story.

Take a breath, take it deep

If you focus so much on manifesting tomorrow then 

you will miss today and today is 

critical in manifesting tomorrow. 

Think about it. 

Reflect. Live. Breathe. 

Love is life. 

-Dakota Lawrence

It's perfect. I mean, as perfect as any words can be. I like words though (obviously) so it doesn't hurt.

The whole idea makes sense. It resonates through my mind, and seems to set the brain in motion. I like the way it feels inside my already crazed mindset. My mind that's coursing with adrenaline, and pounding with the frustrations from today.

It seems to stop it all, but in a good way. It almost has the ability to freeze time in my brain while I read it, over and over again. It's making me think of things in perspective again. I mean, having such a good chat with my mom definitely helped too. I think this was just the catalyst to string it all into one coherent brain wave.

It's all just going to O.K. 

I like the thought, that is portrayed in Dakota's words due to its truth. I find myself in this place everyday, and especially today. I'm too focused on tomorrow to even begin to think about the greatness that was or could have been today. Tomorrow is something I'll get to eventually, like reading the Lord of the Rings, and running an actual 5k. Keeping my eye on the prize the whole time, but good things take time. And I've got to enjoy the days leading up to tomorrow, to make it all worthwhile.

Tomorrow will be O.K. I will be O.K. after tomorrow. I will survive, and I can enjoy tomorrow as the today before the next tomorrow.

One day, one new passion, one new blog post at a time.

But I'm not leaving

Ever get that feeling like the world is becoming something else?

That an alternative universe really could exist, and it's slowly sliding over into what we call reality?

What we once knew is something entirely different.

Is it a sign, or just how the world works. The crazy things all happen at once and it's all your mind can do to take it all in. To take a breath and open your thought process to whats going on around you. To begin to see it clearly.

I don't want to entirely believe that all of this is truly happening. I'm just waiting to wake up, and realize that it was all a dream stemming out of too mach caffeine ingested before bed.

My mind's racing, heart pounding, and the pieces of the puzzle just aren't matching up like they're supposed too.

No, I'm not on drugs. I'm not drunk.

I'm overwhelmed, and a bit more than scared for what's coming up.

It seem's like more than distance between us

brotip #1835 -- if you're wondering why bad things happen to good people, it's because they're capable of handling it. 

I want to think that's the real motto. Not that YOLO, or YOHAPO crap. Or that life sucks and then you die.

That shitty things happen because it's a challenge for yourself. And who doesn't like a challenge? At least in most regards.

That's how I'm looking at it. Not that I've got the world and a half on my shoulder's right now. In fact, far from it. I'm not literally dying, and my family and friends are all well and healthy (except for some minor issues but hey. what can you do?) I'm having #collegegirl troubles, as anyone in my shoes would have, and maybe a little more. But that's another story, another blog post, another day.

Anyways. Back to the point. Maybe it all just links back to the whole idea of fate, and that things happen for a reason. It's all part of some sort of bigger plan, and you can't get there unless you carry your own suitcase of struggle. Everyone comes with baggage,that ridiculous refrain that everyone gets slammed with in those relationship issues. It something you get when you judge people, or don't give them the benefit of the doubt.

Everyone has their own story, and their own set of struggles. No one gets through life scot free, and no actually get's the last laugh. But the thing is, you get through it because you're strong, and you can. Bad things happen to those who can shoulder it, and make it through the idea of "Survival of the Fittest."

Because those that can't, don't make it very far.

Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy,

 like art... It has no survival value; 

rather it is one of those things

 that give value to survival. 

~C.S. Lewis

Friendship.  Something that surrounds us daily. It consumes us almost more than relationships with significant others do. It's something that has its ups and downs, it's bright spots, and just as many patchy spots. It even has it's own page on Wikipedia. If that isn't making the big time, then I'm not really sure what is. The thing that confuses me me though is that even for the hundreds of words that litter the Wiki page, you still can't find the answer to the most important question that I can seem to think of: How does it work? How does a person decide that they are going to be friends with another, and how to find the will and connection to keep the friendship going. How does one person suddenly decide that THIS person is worthy to take part in the adventures you're going to embark on, dry your tears when you make a bad choice, and laugh with you when you make poor choices together? To make sexual comments about everything, and to openly hate the same things together. Where do you decide it's a legitimate choice to make them part of your life, and to let them in? That they won't replace you, and you can count on them.

I've run into a reoccurring situation in my life. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's something every young adult, young woman, person, whatever runs into. I find myself pushing people away, for fear of being too close and being let down. For fear of letting people down. For fear of things not turning out right. I mean, I also don't put up with bullshit, which doesn't help either. Actually, that's also a big factor.  Either way though, being close to people just isn't something I jump into. Which makes forming friendships hard. Which makes forming anything beyond a surface level friendship hard.

And I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be able to trust unwittingly. To close my eyes and let go.  To accept that I'm not going to lose my friends next year, even though I'm not going to be three feet away from most of them. That I'm not going to let people down, at least knowingly. I mean, look at Kyle and I. Even if that derp decides to stay down in De Pere for the summer, I know it's not going to change our friendship. He's always going to be my best friend, and I'd like to think he'd say the same thing. I know that no matter what, I could call him at 3 AM and he'd be there.

I look at that, and I made it through the past two years. Sure, it's hard. And I cry lots of time because he's not five minutes away when I feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, I know it's one of the best experiences he could have ever gotten, and I know I'm doing fantastic here too. That we can survive while apart, but still become joined at the hip once he comes home again, or when I go and visit.

So I get confused. Why can I so undeniable trust Kyle with my life, but I'm afraid that those who are in the closest vicinity are going to be the ones who vanish? Why can't I accept that they mean a lot to me, and I hope I mean a lot to them? That we get along, and they know me, more than sometimes I think I know myself. That I didn't make a wrong choice letting them into my life, and that I actually don't want them to ever replace me. That they won't replace me. That I matter to them as much as they matter to me.

I want my friendships. And I want others to want my friendship as well. I don't want to hold back anymore. I just want to be accepted, and accepting.

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good

I don't know where my belief ends in the ghost, spirit, soul world. I don't know what ACTUALLY happens when a person dies. When their last breath is exhaled and their hands have gone cold. What happens after all the hustle and bustle of a funeral is done, and all that's left is the sadness.

I want to think it's a happy place, what everyone refers to as a 'heaven' of sorts. And for people who have left my life thus far, I think they deserve the recognition of being in that place. I wish everyday that they could be here, but hell. If they can't be, then I think they deserve the chance to be kicking it old school style, up where the grass really is greener, and all the troubles from mortal life have vanished.

The thing is though, is I don't actually know. I don't know if they still know I think about them everyday, or that I still dream about them. I don't know if they come back and check on me at night, and make sure that I'm still happy, hopeful, the young girl at heart they once knew.

There's a reason behind this musing, a reason behind the thoughts that have settled in my brain. Strange things, strange thoughts, strange occurrences. I mean, the old random people showing up outside my door yesterday to ask me if I thought I was going to heaven probably didn't help my squirrel brain either. Nor did my mom saying it was a sign they showed up help slow the process down at all.

Am I going to some mystical after party for life? Or am I just going to be a pile of ash in an urn somewhere. Will I be reincarnated as a horse, or as a human? A snake, or a bug? Or is it really the end once my heart goes. Once the struggle ends, is it really the end.

Besides, what does dying even feel like? How do you know? How can you know? Where does it all come together so a person can accept it..or does it just happen. Does the big mouth called life cut you off and send you out without so much as a chance to say goodbye.

How can you prep yourself for something like that happening, when you can't even bear to think about it? God, it makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack in the middle of the Den just thinking about it. I don't want to die. And I don't want anyone else to die.

I want my parents to stop talking about "Well, if something happens to us."
I want my grandma's to stop aging.
I want Connor to be my brother, at my side, till the end of the world.
I even want Tootsie to fight through it all and live forever too.

I want to know all the answers. Because I think if I knew, it might be easier. To get a grip, to talk it out. To let it go so I can stop dreaming about it.

Would you laugh?

Fact: I do poorly with change, even when I crave it.
Fact: I am an expert at procrastination, even though I feel like I'm drowning in the amount of things I need to accomplish
Fact: I don't easily fully trust people
Fact: I wish I did (trust people that is)
Fact: One of my worst habits is biting my nails. I need to stop
Fact: I dislike mess, though I find myself too lazy to clean
Fact: I don't trust anyone with my heart
Fact: Though sometimes I wish I'd be forever alone, many days I'm afraid I will be.
Fact: I run to relieve stress
Fact: When I don't run, I eat to get rid of stress.
Fact: I need to start running more instead of stress eating.
Fact: I get really nervous around boys
Fact: However, my swag would lead you to believe I can spit game all day
Fact: I have swag. Even my mom said so.
Fact: Cows have best friends
Fact: I'm worried that I won't get to see my family as much as I want to with my new job next year
Side note: What in the hell am I going to do when I really have to grow up?
Fiction: I accept myself.
Fact: Sometimes I worry I don't live up to my parents standards
Fact: Which are also my standards, so then I feel like I'm failing everyone
Fact: I don't actually HATE cats. I just dislike them.
Fact: I can't decide if I want people to actually read my blog, or to just say they do.
Fact: I have a weakness for falling for hockey players
Fact:: I wish that I could run away some days
Fact: I wish I understood how people feel in love songs.
Fact: I miss dancing
Fact: I like being in charge
Fact: I'm super nervous about everything
Fact: I miss Princess. But I don't want to say anything because I know it seems crazy.
Fact: I miss Grandpa and Kurt even more.
Fact: I don't miss Kim at all.
Fact: I sleep with all the lights on when I'm home alone because I get scared
Fact: I love being home alone during the day though
Fact: I wish it was summer
Fact:: I love my family
Fact: I could go on for days with this
Fact: I like wearing a watch, so I seem important when I look at it like I have somewhere I have to be
Fact: I have more best friends now than I feel like I ever had real friends in high school
Fact: I wish Kyle went to school closer. Kelsie too
Fact: I can't think of any other people I'd want to live with than the girls in the Vu
Fact: I wish I could write appreciation posts for everyone
Fact: I don't have that much procrastination time
Fact: I feel like I belong here
Fact: I want to write a memoir
Fact: I want to write forever
Fact: I'm excited to add to my garden this year
Fact: I wish I was at camp
Fact: My bed at camp is the place I sleep the best in the world
Fact is, I guess I just needed somewhere to put all this random information. Because I don't know who actually cares enough to listen to it. But I know the important people will read it.

Somewhere with you

You can run

"Minds running. Words pouring. Sweat dripping. Heart racing. Veins pounding. Chest tightening.  

I want to FEEL this. I want to find this passion for something; this abstract version of obsession. Some say you can't live without it. Some say passion is what keeps your heart in rhythm. 

But what happens if you can't tap into the passion, can't find the door? Can you die without ever have finding your true call of the wild. Your true nature. Is the everlasting hope that it will all work out be enough? The elixir of life to a soul without passion. 

Hope."

I don't know entirely why I just put that in quotation marks....and large...and bold. I mean, I wrote it. Maybe because it's from a different time, a different space. I mean, 20 hours isn't a huge difference, but still. I'm quoting my own words. I'm quoting my own thoughts, to sum it all up. To make the puzzle a little simpler. Well, at least the puzzle in my own brain.

So.

What is passion?

Passion--Noun -- Strong and barely controllable emotion.

Says know all Google and other various internet sources. So simple it seems.

Except when you don't have it. How do you become passionate? Do you decide, or does it (your passion) decide for you? Humans come pre-programmed with lots of things, so why is it so far fetched to have an internal passion already set up for you.  I wish I did. Or knew if I did. That would make it all so much easier.

I feel like I'm not living correctly. That I'm missing some sort of deep internal switch. That my passion button just never got turned on. Sure, there are things I love. But how does one differ between a strong liking, and passion? I get it. It should be mind numbing, soul quenching, heart stopping feelings. It's not that hard to get it from books.

Then I think about it....and maybe passion isn't real. Maybe it's just a figment of ones imagination. Something someone came up with once to make themselves seem greater than the rest. "Oh, you love taking pictures? Well, it's my passion! I win!" And as we all know, the human race is just one big one upping game after another, so why wouldn't it snowball into the bane of my existence by this point.

I feel like it just isn't me alone feeling this though.There has to be other people out there, floundering for their supposed passion. I mean, that's what all the "grown-ups" say. Find a passion, and get a job in it. Once you find your passion, you'll find your place in life. It's like college and passion go hand in hand. Go to college, find your passion. Find your passion, live your life.

So what happens to me if I don't find a passion? Or what if I make up a passion and just pretend? Do I get smacked up by pissy Fate and being deemed a cat lady for the rest of my life due to my obnoxious attitude.

I want a passion. But I can't find it. And I'm afraid that I'm putting too much stock into next year being the answer so I can find it.

Cause if next year doesn't bring me a passion, I don't know if anything ever will.

Kiss me till you're drunk

I'm getting stronger. And I love it more than I think I can put into words.

It's a refreshing feeling for once.

Don’t wanna give in so we both gave up

I've been thinking.....why has it evolved into the human nature to give up?

To stop when the going get roughs, and to follow the path of least resistance. It wasn't a natural born thing. How would we as a species have survived had we just sat down and felt sorry for ourselves every time nature didn't give us enough deer to feed our family?

Imma be honest...we'd all be dead. Because at that point, we'd have no deer, because we'd be too busy pissing and moaning to hunt. Which is worse than just having the three deer you would have originally gotten and been able to survive off of through the long winter.

This isn't meant to be a derogatory blog post towards those in my surrounding world, or even a self degrading blog post about myself. I've been trying to figure out why I happen to be in such a rough mood today....and off and on the past few days.

I just feel like I'm stuck, and I've given up the fight. Which I haven't (given up that is) and I'm not entirely sure what fight I would have given up anyways but point is....I feel as though I've sat down in the mud, and am just hoping the rain comes to wash it away soon. I feel like I'm given up on the unknown, and just accepting to be crabby.

Which is entirely unlike myself, and really happens to aggravate me more than I already am. Which is impressive, with the amount of aggravation I feel in my system right now.

As the lovely family likes to say "No Rain, No Rainbows". How can success happen if the world is too busy sitting around for the rainbow at the end of the storm? The true success stories come in from the rain, after the struggle is done.

I mean, there are also those select few moments that can be defined as appropriate to give up. Sometimes, relationships aren't just meant to be, or a side plank just hurts too much. The thing is though, you've got to understand why you're giving up. As Deb Caletti so lovingly let us know "Know when you've reached an end. Quit, give up, do it with courage. Giving up is not failing -- it's the chance to begin again."

I think it's important to think about. Sometimes you've got to stop so you can BEGIN AGAIN. But that's the key. To continue on, you've got to restart. To give that friendship another go. To start and redo the whole plank. To run that extra mile next time.

Giving up is a touchy line. So. I give up. I will no longer try and define my utter indifference towards the human race today. But with this internet declaration, I'm going to add something.

I'm going to begin again. Start fresh. Accept that it's ok to be sad, and to have fears, regrets. To not understand everything in my life right now. But tomorrow, to keep trucking. Keep moving. Keep running. Continue to begin again.

Am I getting through?

Never mind. I'm over tired, over stressed and utterly frustrated.

Please proceed to ignore everything I've said in the past 24 hours, or what I will say in the upcoming 24.

I'm gonna live my life

"She says she wants to go into the wilderness on her own, to where black clouds meet the road, the end of the road. She will head towards the end while clearly knowing that in fact it is an end without and end. The road stretches endlessly and there is always a point where the sky and the earth meet, but the road just crawls over it. She will simply follow the desolate road under the shadow of the clouds and go where ever her legs take her. When,after great hardships, she gets to the end of the long road, it will stretch further still and she will keep walking endlessly like this..."

-- "Soul Mountain" by  Gao Xingjian

I feel like I'm going to choke on my words. Or maybe I'm going to choke on my frustration at my words. Or maybe I'm just going to choke on these mind numbing words from "Soul Mountain".

This book is going to be the death of me. It's a cynical, yet strong young woman's worst nightmare. Pages upon pages contain the stories of a young man and his countless encounters with the women he meets. And to be honest, they are all the stereotypical crazy woman. The hormonal ones that everyone fears. The ones who get lost in their own reality to escape the one they currently reside in.

And it frustrates me. Why can't we just have a book where the woman characters are normal, breathing, strong; like the people I've met in my life.

I'm tired of being stereotyped as over emotional. Crazy. And not just kind of crazy, like total bat shit cray cray.

I don't want to be anything like the woman in this novel. Who claim "Men's truth is different from woman's truth"(pg 32), whom through the whole entire 46th chapter cannot decide if she loves, hates, or wants to kill her lover, husband whatever. I can't even gather up the want to finish a post about the mind numbing agony that follows me through this book.

I'm already frustrated with life. Why can't something as simple as homework be a reprieve?