These battle scars

This is the time of year, where many reflect, and look upon their past; while simultaneously making grandiose plans for a future that is unsure as what actually is in a fruitcake.

I could spend the next set of minutes typing up reflections on my life. On this crazy life that I lead. About those people I've met, who I've left, and those who have found a place in my heart. About the experiences that have culminated into the year 2012.

The end of an era, and the beginning of finding a passion.

I could encompass the feelings I've had about certain people, and the feelings about others that darken my outlook. I could reminisce about the scars that have been left from trusting those, and the stitch marks from those who have helped pull me back together, even when I'm too stubborn to ask for help. I could talk about my less then attractive hypochondria, and my success in overcoming my fears of everything. I could dance around the troubles I've had, that I don't wish to share. I could do all of this, and waste not only my time, but whoever reads this.

In the end, the past is important because it is part of the force that has shaped us; but at the same time, it's in the past. Dwelling on things means nothing. If you learned from it, that's what counts. And I could spend the rest of the upcoming week writing everything I've learned this past year. But what's the point in that? It's gone. All it is the foundation for the upcoming year.

Which deserves no place in this post either, then the idea that it is coming. I can go on about my plans for creating a better me, and taking care of myself. To write everyday, to continue cultivating my experiences for the world to read some day.

I just can't find the want to do so though, besides my sarcastic flipping over it all. The point is to live in the present, something I struggle with everyday. I look too far ahead, while getting pulled back by the past, forgetting that the day we are in today was once the future, and will soon be in the past.

Every day overlaps in some fashion, just like everything does at some point.  This post will overlap in your mind with anything else you've ever read on the internet, and it will overlap in my history of  pleading posts for something to make sense to me. Because why else would someone throw out their words for the internet to follow? It's like a portal for someone out there to understand, to find someone who understands what I'm saying. So that maybe my thoughts can click for them, and give them something to reach for.

In the end, this is my post. In the present. I don't know what the future may hold, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to detail the extensive plans I have for the next 365 days. As my life has shown, even the best laid plans need adjusting, and if there is anything I've learned, I need to practice my adjustment skills. What better way to do so then starting without a plan?

I've never been so disenchanted with myself.

I feel fat, and useless. And I feel stupid that I feel this way. I don't value myself anywhere as much as I should, and I hate that during a time when I should be happy and enjoying my family, all I can think about is how I have back rolls, and weird stretch marks from the weight I put on so quickly and silently.

But I won't be the one to let you go

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. -Ally Condie

It's amazing how fast time slips by, piece by piece, through the hourglass we call a lifespan.

I last blogged on the fourth, and now's it's 12 days later. How fast things, feelings, and places in a person's life can change in 12 days.

Ideas, hopes, and what you expect of the future can either engulf you in it's glory of being right, or it can drown you in the dark when things don't turn out as expected.

It's finding your foothold in the slope and grabbing hold as the avalanche buries you alive in the mountain side. It's holding out your hand and accepting the help to come back up from getting knocked on your ass. It's accepting that even as the the eclipse might happen, it will be light again on the other side.

There's always hope, and always room to grow. Things change for a reason, and that's all I need to remember.

Just because one door is shutting behind me, it's only to keep in all the wonderful memories that I've collected. To keep them safe, and to remind me that even though I was just as afraid of that section of my life, in the end you can't grow if you don't continue to move on.

My roots grow deeper, and keep me entangled with those that matter and have and will affect me for life, even if we grow apart in the future. That our lives will stay intertwined behind the closed door and remind me  of myself, and to not be afraid.

Growing up and apart only lets us have more room to grow more and to let others grow with us. No one can grow if we are suffocated.

I want to go back

I'm sitting with an empty glass and a broken heart,
Thinking to myself what have I done,
Cause as my future got bright we started losing light,
And I couldn't see that you were the one, 

I want to dance

To move, to feel free

To feel passion, and freedom

So can we push push push rewind,
Go go back in time,
When we were kids sneaking bottles of wine,
Take take take me back, I wanna go back,
Back to what we had! 

I don't want to go back, but forward

But I want to have the feelings come along

The chest throbbing bass that signifies

life

living

life worth living

Do you remember when we started this mess,
My heart was beating out of my chest!,
Remember when we stole your dad's car,
I never thought we'd take it that far,
Oh we where flying so high, yeah partners in crime,
So why'd we ever say good bye?,
Remember when we, when we, had it all
Do you remember when... 

Which is sometimes something I forget to pay attention to

That even the small things can hold this again

That not every house government meeting will be a success

But deep down, making that connection

Changing a life

Can feel just as powerful

Wish I was still the only one running cross your mind,
I guess I just want you to know
Oh from your ruby lips to your fingertips,
I can't believe I let you go, 

So can we push push push rewind,
Go go back in time,
When we were kids sneaking bottles of wine,
Take take take me back, I wanna go back,
Back to what we had! 

And as great as it would be 

to feel this rush

for a significant other

To feel the head rush of butterflies

From a Facebook, 

Phone Call

Text

Do you remember when we started this mess,
My heart was beating out of my chest!,
Remember when we stole your dad's car,
I never thought we'd take it that far,
Oh we were flying so high, yeah partners in crime,
So why'd we ever say good bye?,
Remember when we, when we, had it all
Do you remember when...

 I realize how much I have here

How much love I have for my family

and my friends

and my girls

That it doesn't matter as much 

I'm hanging by a thread,
I'm tearing at the seams,
Holding on to what we used to be! and I should let you go...
But I just won't give up up up up up up up!

Because when I found this job

I knew

That I had more then enough love

and skill for it

So when the right guy hops up

I'll know

Hopefully

Push push push rewind,
Go go back in time,
When we were kids sneaking bottles of wine,
Take take take me back, I wanna go back,
Back to what we had!

At the very least

I know I'm happy where I am

And in the end, 

I just want to be happy. 

And make my difference

And no matter what happens

I will make an even bigger difference

I am making a difference already

And 

Do you remember when we started this mess,
My heart was beating out of my chest (my heart was beating out of my
Chest! )
Remember when we stole your dad's car,
I never thought we'd take it that far,
And we were flying so high, yeah partners in crime,
So why'd we ever say good bye?,
Remember when we, when we, had it all!
Do you remember when?

I will only continue too

First world pity party

My heart hurts. I hate having to lay down law, but I know I'm too easy going, to free flowing, to lenient on the things that I probably should have addressed. Which is what is creating all these issues. It's my own damn fault and now it's time to man up and face the music that I created, all on my own.

It still sucks though. That people can assume the worst about me, when in all reality it's because I care so much about them that I haven't done anything.

Welcome to my first world pity party.

I have absolutely no sympathy for stupidity.

What I want today? I want my words to help heal others, and give them the strength to continue on. I want others to feel strong, and to know that they are special. Important. Worth every single second that they are on this earth, and impacting the world around them.

I want my words to give others the hope that they have made the choice that is right, and to revel in the feeling of making their life work for them.

I want my words to heal my own selfish soul and to realize that sometimes, letting those you love move on in the world is sometimes the only way you can help.

Demobulicans, Republicrats; Where do you stand?

I don't choose my political opinions to please someone else. Nor do I change myself in any form, bend to the will of others to appease some pipe dream of who I should be. So why should I be subject to the gripe-ing  of the nation, and the forced complacency that is thrust down my throat with it. The idea that they (whomever you want to assume 'they' are) are given the freedom of speech but that I, am not.

I like to believe myself to be fair minded, to be open to the opinions and differing thoughts of others. All I ask is that you be open to the ideas that I share. The only thing I 'shove' down peoples throats? Acceptance. The  idea that we are ALL humans, and that even if our ideas differ, the least we can do is offer the respect needed to let them live their lives quietly, in whatever fashion they choose too.

It does not affect me, who has two moms, or who finds their solace in watching underground zombie movies. Nor does it affect me in what people choose to do with their religion, or who they worship, or whose bed they have slept in the past three nights. What affects me is their attitude towards myself as a human, and their opinion on who gets a voice.

As a single, heterosexual female, I feel victimized as well. I can begin the feminism  rant that so many believe  a woman like me to believe in. That's not what I'm here for though. That's not what I want to get out of this, What I want to get out of this is that I have an opinion. That I have a voice, and that no one should be able to tell me that I am wrong. Disagree, yes. Differ in belief, I hope so.

The thing is though, no one has any right to tell me that I am wrong. I don't tell you that you are wrong, misguided in your facts and quest for the betterment of the nation as a whole. So who are you, to judge my beliefs, when we each see things through hazy glasses of different colored smoke?

I may not be right in any number of my choices. I could be 110% wrong for all I know. But who are you to tell me that I don't deserve the right to be heard? I don't stereotype all Republicans to be homophobic chauvinists who wave their guns around at anything that moves, nor do I stereotype Democrats to be unwashed hippies who believe in sex for everyone, no matter the cost.

Because does it matter? In the end, does what animal you stand behind signify who YOU are as a person? Are you encased in the form of elephant vs donkey for all eternity? Why should we as a society, be held back by two animals that represent us in the most minimalistic form? When you die, is the only thing you want to leave behind is a stick figure animal carved onto your headstone?

I don't want to be seen as one of the millions. I want to be seen for what I am; a young woman, attempting to attain an education to someday make the difference.

This isn't supposed to be a blog post, promoting one side or another. In all reality, both are lacking greatly. What it's supposed to be is an eye opener. The quick light switch flip to hopefully cue someone in to the idea that maybe it might be a good idea, to find a common goal again. To work towards something that can actually benefit the nation as a whole, rather then one sector.

We are all Americans, but more importantly, we are all human. Our election process  and our lives, not only effect ourselves, or one another, but the entire world as a whole. Instead of choosing to jump on the bandwagon, and follow the mundane slogans that the whole country knows, branch out. Delve into the information that is out there. Use the resources given to you for your own knowledge. Use your brain and decide on what you want.

I'm voting in this election for me. I'm doing my research, and I'm figuring out where my faith needs to lie in. I'm not listening to someone tell me what to do, if they sure as hell aren't going to give two shits about what I say. I'm not wasting my breath and information on dull ears. All I know is that I care enough to be educated. That I care enough about the world and those around me to decide on the choice for the common good, not just my own personal advancement. We are all human, and we all deserve equal voices. Equal treatment, and equal respect.

All I ask is that someone cares enough to listen.

The terrible moment when you actually feel too much; when you can't turn your mind off and you need to learn to step back, breathe, and understand that sometimes, people need to make their own mistakes. You can help to a certain extent, but at some point, all it's going to do is kill you slowly.

She's a fighter when she's mad

Is it conceited to read back upon my old blog posts, and get lost in the sea? To ebb and flow with my moods, and vibes, and to re-conquer old fears? To get lost in the translucency of my feelings stuck in black and white for eternity.

To re-learn old mistakes, and to re-discover the joy that comes along with new experiences. To relish the thought that even if I am still me, I have grown in only ways words can show?

I have become stronger, and more sure of myself with each passing day. I can do this, and I can do whatever I happen to put my mind too.

But sometimes, reading back in time as I realize it, is just what I need to push me to continue.

When your in the lost and found

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

I'm not really sure what it is about country music

Why for some reason these songs make me think

Just that little bit extra, that little bit 

more

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

But for some reasons, it's not always sad thoughts

it's remembering the good times

Those things that we as a society, tend to forget.

That we tend to move past

That we tend to disregard as flukes

That society as a whole is nothing more than 

failure

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind him

Not that I'm any better all the time

I tend to focus on those things 

That weigh me down, and pull my heart 

Through my ribs, and out

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man

But I know that there is good

That I am good

That I can trust, and that the good of people is overpowering

More than the things

That my mind lingers on

You ain't ever gonna change
Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'(born for leavin')

It's a generational thing

And if I expect others to change

I must be willing to change my behavior

as well

Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here

At the end of the day,

We're all human. 

And we all make mistakes

And sometimes, we get stuck

In the colder weather

And need just a little help

To thaw

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')

To open your frozen eyes

And take in the good things in the world

Like Sunday morning breakfasts,

and spending time with people you love

Instead of focusing on the old

And only remembering the things

That hold you back 

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then

Because in the end

you only get so much time

so why waste it on things that don't make you happy

before the colder weather sets in 

#honestyhour

I listen to love songs in my room, in hopes that someone will care enough about me to come and dance with me. 

Because in all honesty, the reason I hate weddings is because I have no one to dance with.

I don't think I could ever be with someone who doesn't want to dance with me. To me, dancing is just as good as any sweet words. Dancing is just another way to see who someone really is.

And time keeps slipping by

I guess this is what it feels like. To care so much that it literally breaks your heart.

I mean, I've experienced it before in some respects. With my family, and Princess. But damn. right now, it really hurts. And I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I get it finally, when people talk about feeling, and caring so much. That they care even when they know it's not worth it, and that each time they get shut down, they get right back up and let the blows continue. Fist, eye, elbow, jaw, knuckles, kidney, knee, groin.

Over, and over again.

I've been selfish. That I can attest too. Everyone has their moments. And I'm trying not to judge. But it's really hard, to sit here and know that...

So many of these girls. That I care so much about. Who I give up so much for, who I kill myself over everyday to make a difference in their lives -- would still chose everything over me. Or  even someone else.

Knife point in, twisting. Deeper, harder, swifter, hurting.

I get it now, what my moms talked about for years. How she can give so much, and care so much, and I still choose me over the greater good.

I'm not trying to judge, because I'm selfish too. Hell, look at this post. But damn. I feel so alone, in a building full of people. Lost, because I am too easily found. Too easily accessible when necessary for ones-self.

Damn.

It's not even the people who live within my building anymore.

I feel like half the people in my life could care less at this point. Maybe not half, but some of the people I really thought I could count on at the very least.

Just sucks. That people I actually care about could care less about me.

It's a crappy feeling.

I wish I never had to learn this lesson.

This blog's blown up in the past day, day and a half time frame. I've gotten almost 100 page views, and I don't really know why. 

I can't decide if I'm excited that people are so eager to delve into my subconscious, or if I'm scared that people won't understand why I use my words to sort through my thoughts. 

Don't judge. Accept. Tolerate. 

Sounds reminiscent of a point I made last year around this time. 

Sometimes, I feel like I can't win. Do one thing awesomely, fail at five others.

Awesome at my job? Can't see friends, gaining weight, feeling self conscious, constantly sick, and lonely. At least I get to see my family every now and then.

Sucky at my job? Don't even want to go there. Because I won't be.

I just need to learn to balance. I learned how to balance before, and I can learn how to balance now. I will learn how to balance now. I will not fail at anything. Any longer.

And everything I can't remember

Maybe I'm losing it. Or maybe, this was a sign that I needed this sign.

Since the 'ancient' times, people have always thought of dreams as more than just a subconscious occurrence. They have believed them to be signs of things to come, for communication sources from those who have passed on, for the idea to have faith in fate.

I've always believed to some extent, that this is true. That my dreams show me ideas I have, of places and things I want to see again, or people I want to come back into my life.

I had a dream, the night before the one year mark of Uncle Kurt's .....well, you know what I'm saying. Where we were sitting at the kitchen table, eating, and talking with the whole family, just like we always used too.  He was just there, chilling out until I suddenly blurted out "You can't be here; you're dead". He looked at me, got up, walked out, and I woke up. I wasn't sure what had happened, but for some reason it gave me a sense of relief. That even if he wasn't here, he was still looking out for me. That I knew he would  be proud of me. That it's OK that I still cry about him. That he still cares.

I've had other dreams too, but these have Grandpa mainly. They vary on the time of the year, or whats going on my life. But I can honestly say I always feel better waking up, and knowing that even if it isn't him communicating with me, my subconscious knew I needed some Grandpa time. That I wasn't crazy for still caring about him.

However, today was weird. Beyond weird actually. I was sitting on my floor, working on the stupid art project that has to include at least nine different objects, a moving part, and be visually attractive. As I'm sitting there struggling, two of my girls walk in. They ask to see what I;m working on, and as I stand up to show them...it hits me.

Literally Deja Vu. Like my brain knew I'd be here someday, and that it wanted to give me a sign. That I really am where I need to be. That even though I was pretty sure this was where I wanted to be, it was giving me the kick in the ass to really accept that I'm doing something worthwhile.

I'd had a dream about this moment. That this would happen. That I would be here, doing this.

So maybe I am crazy. And reading too far into feelings.

But I'd like to think this is a point, a resting place to accept it.

I always forget to tell you

I want to write. To pull off the tension that sits on my chest. To throw it into black and white and banish it from through process for awhile. To document the fantastic adventure I'm having, and the wonderful women I get to have in my life. And men. But mainly women. But being slightly sickly and sniffly, I may just have to curl up after my homework is done and accept as much as I want to do this, I can't until I take care of myself physically first.

I'm turning into my mother. Where I put everyone but myself first. That I run, and run, and run some more. Then I do a tap dance to make everyone not mad at me anymore and start helping everyone again.

After Homecoming, I'm changing this. I'm going to schedule in Emily time. And I'm going to be OK with it.

Here's to hoping this bullshit post can get me to 2,000 page views so I could have a little joy associated with my writing for a little bit.

Breathe. Re-Group. Move Forward.

.....It's actually a lot harder than it sounds.

Even if the skies get rough

I hate stumbling, and feeling like the ground is moving beneath my feet. Not that anyone enjoys having their world tilted, or shoved. To feel like the sky has suddenly turned a shade of black that you only see in the horror movies. That the tendrils of failure are creeping out from the maze of life and pulling you down. 

The pavement of success is buckling underneath my feet and causing me to get sea legs. To become jelly. To not trust that I do actually know what I'm doing. The fear of failure is weighing down on my chest, and causing my heart to race, to pound, to pain me with the thoughts of defeat. 

But I'm trying to regroup. To convince myself that two mistakes aren't going to be my downfall, as long as I learn from them. 

Because I won't let them pull me down. Because I can do this. Because I will do this. 

I think I've found my place.

And I will not do anything to mess this up. I feel like I've found where I want to be. It's only been four hours but thus far, I can honest to god say there have been few things that I have felt as right as talking to these girls, and getting to know those who will be my family for the next year.

I feel like I'm jumping the gun. That I'm slipping away into the ecstatic frenzy too fast, too quick, too thoughtless.

But I can't help myself.

I see you over there

As Jackie so blatantly put it, the shit's about to get crazy.

And I can't freaking wait. I have three girls already, whom I can already tell I have a connection with. I'm waiting on the other 49-some, and it's making me insane. Part of me wishes it wasn't coming so soon, but then again, it's all I can do to hold it in.

I feel ready,or as ready as I'll ever  be. I know that trusting myself is the first part of the equation and I just have to grasp it. I need to understand that I was chosen for a reason, and life lead me down this path. That I made the right choices to get me here and I can already feel it in my bones -- this is my place. This is where I need to be.

I have a strong support system, in my family, and my staff. Shit, more than I can even totally put into words in this small cramped space of black and white internet musing.

And I also know I have fantastic friends, who understand how much this means to me. Or at least the important ones do.

It's about to get crazy, but I'm tense and ready. It's like waiting for the starting gun on the lake, and I'm just waiting for it to let me dive in. To feel the cool water calming my nerve endings, and to feel the smooth rhythm of comfort flowing from my palms. To feel the pattern begin of breathing every three strokes, and pushing, pulling, grasping, tugging the water. To find the finish, and the feeling of triumph that I have succeeded. That drowning in the bottom of the lake is no longer a possibility, though at the deepest point, I thought the depths would swallow me down. But the perseverance has taken me to the edge of the sand, and the warmth of a towel and a long slow breath. The intake of oxygen the ehale of the feeling of failure. Because the only thing I Have found is myself, and the feeling of finding my fit in the ocean of the world.

Bring it on.

When you're lost and run out of road

I'm feeling restless. Like I'm on the brink of something worthwhile, but that fate's holding me off from finding it.

I'm sitting in my room, listening to sappy country, waiting for that feeling of relief. That moment that encompasses you like a cold shower, and begins to rinse away my apprehensions and clears my vision. That these cliche comparisons and verbs can actually be transferred into a real feeling, besides a black and white attempt at cleverness. That this all will be all I expect it to be and more.

I wonder if this how it feels in the real world. Those glorious moments while you wait to start the new chapter of your real life. Not that college isn't real life. But I can't help to think that this feeling only gets  better as you get older. From the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, or the feeling of finding a new song you love. It grows even more as you begin to the find a new friendship, or the enjoy feeling of a good old fashioned hug. It is something that can envelope everything in a persons life and make it greater.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm TOTALLY and completely wrong; that this is the best it can get, and it just reaches a standstill form here on out. Even then, I can't say that it's a terrible thing.

Because what I', going to have is going to be fantastic. That I could live the rest of my days in the experiences that are to follow.

That once I've crossed the threshold and begun to discover the path, I'll never diverge again. That I will revel in the feeling that I've found my place.

 But until then, the restless will hold; and I'll just have to wait for my chance to embrace the fall.

I'm so much better

I don't want to get too hasty

Or jump the gun with enthusiasm as I tend to do.

HOWEVER

I can't seem to hod back the feeling that I'm finally fitting. That this might work for me. I even enjoyed the talk with Mr. Frick today about the Operations side of Housing.

I must be losing it.

Either that, or I've finally found something that can hold my passion for more than a few weeks.

To lift not one, but both of us.

I'm packing again.

It's crazy to think that in less than one week, I'll be starting the next chapter; the next door is fully open and awaiting my footfalls.

I can only hope that it fulfills my expectations, and I fulfill the expectations of those around me.

Just breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

This. Right. Here. 

I just feel like summer just isn't my season

This isn't supposed to be a rip off of 

the words of Anna Nalick

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

However, my lack of interest

in the summer months

makes me feel like a fraud

a fake in the world of the college student

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

It's not that I hate it

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

Far from it in fact

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

I love sitting in the sun, and feeling

the heat across my shoulders

So cradle your head in your hands

Spending time with my family

And breathe... just breathe,

And taking a moment for myself

Oh breathe, just breathe

To breathe. 

And forget my anxiety ridden tendencies.

Summer gives me the opportunity to breathe

Whilst bringing about more reasons 

To add to

my overwhelming thought process.

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

I look too far ahead

I find myself lost

and not in the moments I'm in

because

I'm too worried about what's around the riverbend

But maybe that's just because

I'm older now. 

And no longer as carefree

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

I don't really want this whole blog to become 

a mind numbing void

That no one reads

because I can't focus on anything else but my 

small minded worries

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

About my first world problems

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And my 'life troubles', though at 20

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

I can't say I have enough

If you'd only try turning around.

To fill a small memoir yet.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

So I'm stuck. 

Because right now, this.

That. 

The summer.

Is consuming my mental abilities and

my want 

to branch out and be strong minded

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now

So I guess that's it. 

I can't just ignore the fact

I'm feeling a little lost.

But now it's out there. 

And I'm moving on. 

Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Because life can't live itself

Flower, gleam and glow

I look to you, but I see nothing

I haven't blogged in forever.

So here goes three rapid fire blog posts.

Though two are filled with pictures, I think they count.

Because right now, I've got enough swirling through my head to fill up nine blog posts, each with multiple topics in each.

However

I'll withhold my passive aggressive thoughts for a different day, a different time, a different moment.

Welcome to the Jungle

That terribly awkward moment where you haven't blogged in who knows how long and.....

you still have nothing to say.

I've had these great pondering ideas, that take form, mold themselves, add some definition of complacency in my life.

But now....now that I have 15 minutes, a keyboard, and a blank slate to fill.

I
have
nothing.

Gotta live life long

I haven't blogged in over a week. Almost two weeks actually.

I haven't even really been on my computer that much. Being an adult (half adult) is a little slap of reality. That's for sure.

I like working. I like having my mind busy, instead of sitting at home on my butt.

However, I am missing my creative time. Taking pictures, blogging, reading. Breathing.

And three days, I'm totally off. Taking on another challenge.

Maybe I'll get some time before I go to sort out some thoughts.

Deja Vu

 

If we ever meet again

I don't really have a good grip on my words right now.  My verb usage leaves much to be desired, and I really couldn't give you the difference between a noun and a pronoun. I mean, that's a bit of exaggeration, but you get what I'm throwing down. Picking up the mess of vowels I'm littering as I walk down the path of making an interesting blog post

My words are a mess, and so is my brain. It's  a never ending tangle; how mom's container of yarn looks after I've been pawing through it. Color mixed with color, skinnier pieces intertwined with larger more pertinent thoughts. A mess of rainbow veins. 

I want to write an in depth blog post, debating the difference between want and need, the difference between an end, and a continuation. To write about the absolute mess the world has come to, when trends on Twitter revolve around May the Fourth. To the lack of respect people have for themselves, and the over consumption of alcohol for ridiculous purposes. To compare and contrast Poe with modern day literature. To analyze quotes pulled from my mass of Chinese literature papers. I want to discuss the merits of running, and how to properly plant dahlias. I want to discuss why people refuse to be happy, and why self pity is the first step in a total downhill spiral. I want to write out pages of lyrics to a song I can't write, and to write the letters I've always meant to send. I want to post about why I can't seem to find a boy worth my time, who makes my heart race, who gives me the actual desire to spend time with him. I want to write about how I actually don't want to find a guy some days, because I have so many things I'd rather do with my time. I want to find a guy who can challenge me to be who I can be. I want to write about friendships, and how they take work.... a lot of work. I want to write about how I have some of the greatest friends. I want to write an appreciation blog post for everyone who has ever made a difference in my life. I want to write an appreciation blog post just for my mother. I want to write about my grandma. I want to write about happy things. I want to write about sad things. I want to have a post of pictures of just flowers. A post of pictures of just close ups of eyes. I want to take pictures of deer, and moose. I want to fill up a whole post full of random quotes. I want to write a blog post about how a song makes so much sense, it's like Lil Wayne read my mind. 

I just want to write forever. 

I want to make a difference, but I can't seem to find a place where any of this could matter to anyone but me. 

I want to stop wanting so many ridiculous self centered things. 

I want my wants to be wanted by someone else. 

They wanna see if it's true

I'm so close, yet so far away. I want to be done. Done with school, and done with my roommate.

But at the same time, I don't want to leave everyone else who means so much to me. It's bittersweet.

It's like one of those heart felt, sappy, throat choking poems. About how my heart feels like it's being split in two, and the tears can't seem to end.

I mean, a total over exaggeration, but you get what I'm throwing down.

I know all good things must end, and it doesn't really mean the end. It's more like the end of one chapter, but on to the next. You can't have a fantastic memoir in one chapter. I mean, it could be interesting though.

Point is, I know that I'm not going to die. And neither is my biff. And neither are any of the literally life long friends I've made.

Because it's not the end, it's not a real good bye. It's a "Have a safe drive home, and we'll skype tomorrow OK?"

 It's a "I'll see you next year! And we can have MP breakfasts every day!"

It's a "Someday I'll be 21, and we can go out to the bars together."

It's a "This has been one of the best years of my life, and I'll never forget it. I just know, next year will be even better if that's possible."

We're all going to be OK.

Because one summer isn't going to change a whole year of becoming a family. 

Bring back what once was mine

I wonder sometimes, if I worry too much.  That I'm actually going to end up being the one to kill myself, from the stress I place upon everything.

I hate when people go on trips without me. I worry about what could happen, how it happens, when it happens. I can't help but not sleep, and be worried them.

I worry about my grades, about my weight, about how I look.

I worry about my friends, if they are my friends, and those who hate me.

I worry about work, and getting a job after graduation, and not being as good as people seem to think I am.

I worry about not being productive, and getting rid of something I might need later.

I worry about Tootsie, and how she's doing since Princess died...well since we put Princess down.

I worry about Princess, Kurt, Grandpa, Leroy.

I worry about Grandma almost daily.

I worry about my mom, and my dad, and Connor.

I worry that something bad might happen, in any regard.

I think I could possibly worry more than almost anyone I know. Which then worries me more because that would mean I'm abnormal.

I know that nothing's going to happen to my family, and that they just pulled out of the driveway less than ten minutes ago.

However, I don't think my stress level will go down until they are home again.

Off with your head

I don't really have time to blog.

I don't really have time to do everything I need to right now actually.

 However, I just need to get this out there.

I hate ends, I hate leaving. I hate feeling left.

I really just want to cry, and absorb the fact that I am forever moving out of 253. That I'm leaving my home for the past two years. That I'm leaving these ladies I call my other family, and that they get to come back....without me.

I don't want to leave.

My room is only 1/3 packed and it's now no longer my room. It is slowly losing the essence of me, and in five months, it's going to become someone else's room. It's going to become their space, and they are going to get to make a world for themselves here.

I just hope that they appreciate these ladies, these walls, this world as much as I do.

I'm not living if you're not right by my side

That moment of complete hope, when you find your Grandpa's old Twitter account.

And the feeling of complete loss, and desperation when you realize that it doesn't mean you get to talk to him.

Your heart drops, you head falls, and the tears you don't want to feel come pouring out.

It's the sudden realization that you don't get to hear his voice again, or get any words of wisdom about life, boys, school, swimming.

That it's just an empty account, a lost part of his internet explorations that we forgot to clean up after he died.

It's just that extra slap of reality that he's gone physically. That it's another birthday without him. Another Memorial Day, another summer, another August 8th, another start of the school year, without the Labor day weekend trip.

And even though you get all those memories from all the fantastic years before, there isn't anything you wouldn't give to get one more day.

Just one more day.

One.
More.
Day.

To just say everything again. To hear his stories about his life, and about Mom as a kid. To get to tell him I have his bear, and hear his story about it. To take him to camp, and to fish. To go shopping with Princess, and take her to the vet. To eat grilled cheese, and a full jar of pickles just at one lunch. To make breakfast. To have him teach me his extra tricks on making the best Swedish Pancakes (besides my mothers). To take pictures of our day together, and to have portraits of him.

To just say "I miss you. I love you."

To let him realize that how much of an impact he made on my life.

Who would have thought one Twitter account, two tweets, and an emotional wreck of a person could cause so many issues?

But I'm doing all I can

I can't seem to get my footing.

To catch my balance, and to figure it all out.

I don't know if you've ever been to an old school fair. Either way, here's a little visual to help explain my thoughts on my life right now.

Here in da yoop, they have them all over. And every single one has those lumberjack competitions. They always have one in particular where they all stand on a log, balancing in the water, and spinning till they can find that perfect place to balance on. They have their spiked shoes on, and it honest to god looks like something out of an old time movie.

I feel like I'm in some skewed version of it; except mine's Lumberjack: The College life. One spin forward, three running spins back. Half way forward, and two steps to the right. Dancing and hoping that the spikes of my shoes are going to find somewhere to stick. Somewhere I can finally have a breather, a little relaxing space.

Till it all starts again.

Until the game of life starts spinning again. But hell, I'll treasure those three seconds of breathing space more than even I think I know.

Fairy tales are full of shit

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I like the idea of blogging like this

I listen to so many songs, 

so it only makes sense 

to find a way to integrate them physically in my posts

rather than just mentally, or through my titles

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.

I mean, I get inspired by so many things

but having a song  pounding through my skull while I type

has to be the best creative motivation I can think of

the beat, the words, the thoughts

the cliche relations I can find within

You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

This just happens to be my creativity at this moment

I don't know exactly why this song's making me think

maybe because a bad relationship is the basis

of some of the issues I've been seeing lately

Or to be be more specific, the catalyst 

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I think she would have left us anyways

She just happened to have an addiction to the wrong guys

Comparable to the amounts of gay men I find

Gay men, bad boys

a terrible comparison but still. 

The point is ...

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

As lonely as I can get sometimes

between my own thoughts

and the opinions of everyone around me

and the pressure from the couples

I haven't given up my standards

If happy ever after did exist,

I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
One more stupid love song, I'll be sick

That even those fairy tales are really full of shit

That things do work out eventually

but settling isn't ever going to get me there

the place where happiness exists

I'm glad I've figured that out

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

That finding my fairy tale can be on terms

and I don't have to feel like I'm not worth something

just because I'm not

sucked into a "since there isn't 

anything better " relationship

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

That my paradise will be mine

because I've made it that way

I didn't waste months of my life

just because I was afraid

to be lonely

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I mean, what good is a memoir 

when at the end there wasn't a rough path

a couple of dark patches

some lonely spaces

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone

Not to sound cliche again

but what's the fun in the bright spots

and trusting someone to take care of you

if you haven't had the chance

to take care of yourself

first?

[Wiz Khalifa]
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button

So in the end

I'm glad I saw her downfall

as much as it brought about the downfall

of the family I know, and love

and care about 

until the end of time

Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my show,
You can tell it I'm ballin.

It's given me the opportunity to witness

exactly what I don't want to be

exactly where I don't want to be

exactly where 

I WILL NOT END UP

Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
that little piece of shit with you.

Because I'm not going to be like that

Family First, 

Hoes before Bros

Me, Myself and I

Whatever you want to say

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

I'm going to be strong

and not feel like I have no where to go

except to someone who treats me poorly

because I know enough

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.

One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone...

That I'm worth more than that
To myself,

and to everyone else that knows me

and if a guy doesn't see it

then I don't need him anyways

I can't wait for the night to be...

The post I wouldn't post until I got my bear:

I thought I could avoid it, them, everything.

I really thought I could.

I thought that passing by him daily on campus would be the limit to my interaction with them for the rest of her life.

I was wrong. But you know what, I don't care. Because getting that bear means more to me than anything. I'd sit there and listen to her bitch about everyone in my family, and spit lies till her face turns blue if it means I can have that bear. That I can have that part of my grandpa. And that she can't.

She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to look like me, or make my mom's life hell almost everyday because she won't have contact with us. She doesn't get the right to lie about one of the greatest men I've ever known, because my grandpa is one of the reasons I have such high standards for men. She doesn't get to make my grandma feel belittled, or wrong. She doesn't get that right to do that to any of us anymore.

Maybe the bear won't change that much. Maybe it won't do anything besides give me the satisfaction of going to see her, and being strong.  For giving my mom this opportunity to ask for this one thing, to have the satisfaction of having her respond. Maybe the only thing is that I'll have something from my grandpa, that's going to mean more to me than I can put into words.

The post I'm writing now, with my bear right next to me:

I've got it. And it's bittersweet.

Because now I've opened up the can of worms for the family again.

I don't like to hear my grandma cry over you, because you don't deserve it anymore.

You don't deserve anything from any of us. Which is why I didn't give you the satisfaction of telling you everything about you I despise.  You don't get to make any of us feel this way anymore.

I have Grandpa's bear now. I love him, and I'm going to keep him safe. I did what I could, and I just wish I could have gotten it back earlier. But I have him now.

And that's the end of the story.