And time keeps slipping by

I guess this is what it feels like. To care so much that it literally breaks your heart.

I mean, I've experienced it before in some respects. With my family, and Princess. But damn. right now, it really hurts. And I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I get it finally, when people talk about feeling, and caring so much. That they care even when they know it's not worth it, and that each time they get shut down, they get right back up and let the blows continue. Fist, eye, elbow, jaw, knuckles, kidney, knee, groin.

Over, and over again.

I've been selfish. That I can attest too. Everyone has their moments. And I'm trying not to judge. But it's really hard, to sit here and know that...

So many of these girls. That I care so much about. Who I give up so much for, who I kill myself over everyday to make a difference in their lives -- would still chose everything over me. Or  even someone else.

Knife point in, twisting. Deeper, harder, swifter, hurting.

I get it now, what my moms talked about for years. How she can give so much, and care so much, and I still choose me over the greater good.

I'm not trying to judge, because I'm selfish too. Hell, look at this post. But damn. I feel so alone, in a building full of people. Lost, because I am too easily found. Too easily accessible when necessary for ones-self.

Damn.

It's not even the people who live within my building anymore.

I feel like half the people in my life could care less at this point. Maybe not half, but some of the people I really thought I could count on at the very least.

Just sucks. That people I actually care about could care less about me.

It's a crappy feeling.

I wish I never had to learn this lesson.