I am thoroughly irritated. And this time, I have a wonderful reason why.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of social media, and the convenience the internet has created.

Don't get me wrong. I love the ability to check out the weather instantly, or see pictures of what my cousin down in Atlanta is up to. But beyond that, I am done.

I am ridiculously over those who feel Facebook is the best way to prove their point to the world, the best way to say "Look at me, with my little self confidence and over inflated ego! Check out all my mundane Facebook statuses, and pictures of my cat sitting in the same place it was five  pictures ago! See how wonderful my life! SEE! SEE! SEE!". I'm ridiculously over those who feel like just because we are friends on the Internet someone means that I value your opinion on the picture I posted to show my mom. News flash: I don't.

I am also ridiculously over people who use Facebook and my blog as the means to keep up on my life. For those fringe people like my old next door neighbor, or my cousin who I only see once every three years that I'm sort of close to, yes. This is the perfect way to see what I am up to, and to have the occasional chat. However, for those of you whom I have more of an in-depth relationship with, it would nice for a call. Or a text.

I will admit, that I too am one of these people at times. Who has the tendency to not pick up the phone and would rather just send the quick "Hello!" message on their Facebook wall. But after the past couple of weeks, I have come to the realization -- social media is not for me. I don't really care what you are doing, nor do I really care if you have any idea what I'm doing. So from now on, I'm working to change that. I will do what is right, and make the point to talk to people that are important to me because they deserve more than a fluffy overview of my life. If you are important, you get the nitty gritty, as I would only expect the same from you in return.

I blog, because I love to write. I love to have the ability to express myself and I could care LESS if anyone actually spends time reading it. Especially at this point in my life, with this blog. I am 21 years old, figuring out my life somewhat publicly through the Internet.

I don't write, or share my pictures so that my friends and family know what I'm doing. Maybe if I end up in Missouri or Kansas next year, yes. I will make a blog that I can send out to the family members so they can keep track of all the adventures I am having. Right now? There is nothing that can't be explained over the phone, or over a cup of coffee.

I am blogging to examine the complexities I find in my mind, and the world around me: not so that you can get away with never talking to me ever again.

Yes, I again will admit. I am guilty of posting things here lately in hopes that certain people with their heads up their asses will read it and realize some things. Sort of like a sub-tweet, but a bit more open. Sorry, I do still have the tendency to be an immature college student at times. The thing is, I'm not doing it to get in jabs and barbs that you will never respond to. I want you to respond to me. I want people to feel something when they read my writing. Whether they be agreeing with me, or contradicting me, I am writing to evoke emotion. To practice using my words in a more profound way so that someday I might be able to write a memoir, like I've always wanted to. Or maybe even a novel. Who the hell knows.

The point is, yes. I write to provoke emotion, and I write to explain the things in my head, and the ideas I have come up with. I write in hopes that people will read it and feel inspired, or ashamed, or sympathy or even for them to realize something about themselves they never knew before. How they  feel about an issue, or what their take is on global warming. Goddman it, even if you just decide that you don't like my pictures and you think Cher is a terrible artist, at least you figured something out.

I am not writing so that you can use my internet presence to find out my life. I am not on Facebook, so that you can see who I've been hanging out with lately. I am on Twitter, only because I like using it post the sarcastic comments I make in my mind (though I am on the verge of getting rid of that as well), not so you can have a literal play by play of my day.

I am tired of the social media castle. I am tired of being surrounded by walls built of bricks that come from every Facebook, Twitter and blog post I write. I am not something that is tucked away inside, hidden beneath a pixelated distortion of my life since social media erupted. I am a living, breathing human, with a multitude of thoughts and feelings. My gruff and cold exterior is only for those who do not deserve the inner workings of my mind. Deep down, I am squishy person who is hurt by social media daily. By the carelessness of people, and their lack of consideration for others. Deep down, I over analyze everything I post and everything I read, though I know many people are too self involved to actually be doing something to be hurtful on purpose. So you didn't like my status. Is it the end of the world as we know it? In reality, no, but in social media, hell yeah it does.

So I am done. I no longer seek the gratification of the little red flag, and soon, I have a feeling the gratification of a heart and interaction might be gone as well. I can only hope that page views will not have to be eliminated as well.

If you need to get a hold of me, I have a phone. Feel free to call it. Don't have it? I'm sure you'll find a way to get in touch with me if you need me.

I am seeking friends for the end of the world, because soon, the world as we know it will fall completely to the wrath of the pixels.

Family is forever

"Family is not an important thing. It is everything"

-- Michael J. Fox 

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you,

as you are to them."

-- Desmond Tutu

"My family comes first. Maybe that's what makes me different

from other guys."

--Bobby Darin

"The family is the first essential cell of human society"

-- Pope John XXIII

Blood makes you related

Loyalty makes you family 

"Family is the most important thing in the world"

-- Princess Diana 

Being a family means that you are a part of 

something very wonderful.

It means you will love, 

and be loved for the rest of your life.

Not matter what. 

Families are the compass that guides us. 

They are the inspiration to reach great heights,

and our comfort when we occasionally falter. 

Family.

Where life begins

and love never ends.

"Family are like branches on a tree.

We all grow in different directions,

yet our roots remain as one."

"Ohana means family. Family means no one is left behind,

or forgotten"

-- Stitch

"I sustain myself with the love of family"

-- Maya Angelou

Family is forever. 

"Somebody who appreciates me. Somebody who doesn't blow into town with her dysfunctional past and play mindgames with the boy next door. Somebody who is capable of a healthy, committed relationship and unfortunately, somebody nothing like you."

--Dawson, 'Dawson's Creek'

I want to dance

feel the sweat

feel the beat

forget everything else

besides

the bass 

so low

my rib cage rattles

have a beer

or three

dancing

moving

forgetting

forgiving

moving past

the irrelevant past

feel free

like myself

don't worry

about anything

or anyone

else.

not being ridiculous

to gain attention

 moving

to just slip

unnoticed

into the 

oblivion

of the dark

surrounded by 

people who

i don't know

don't want to know

don't care to know

don't need to know

because

i have myself

and the music

and that's all

i need

no need

for love

or snow

or light

just hitting

the road

of moving past

the past

i'm running from it

but not to stifle

the urges of 

sadness

no

i'm running from the past

because i've learned

from it

and i don't ever want 

to revisit it

the faster i run

the farther i get

and the farther i get

the cleaner 

my mind becomes

i am strong

i am independent

and i don't 

need someone

else

to tell me that

i don't need someone

to feel complete

and maybe

that's why i'm having 

such a hard time

moving on

because i pity you

not because i 

want to be with you

but because i pity

whoever ends up

with your tangled mess

whoever

tries to unravel 

the tangled webs

of insecurity

deep within 

you dark soul

the person who

values them self

so little 

that they give you 

themselves

because its 

the only way

they think

they can 

get you

to love them

the person

who doesn't realize

their own self worth

to realize

that you will always

always

value yourself

over anything else

i pity you

i pity the forlorn souls

who are stuck

in the dark of the clubs

not to find themselves

within the music

but to find someone

because to them

they need someone

to be seen 

as something

i pity those

who don't realize

that they 

already are

something

that someone

touching them

does not make them 

something

what makes them

something

is what's inside their minds

and that

the more they search

in the dark recess of others

they lose 

more and more

of themselves

every

single 

time

that every touch

steals a little

bit more

until 

they are nothing more

than a shell

that they have lost 

what and who

they truly are 

because 

they have given it away

they sold their souls

in search of yours

how does that make 

you feel

to know 

that instead of completing someone

you ruined them

how does it make you feel

to know

that instead of being completed

every time

a new girl 

comes around

you,

yourself

lose the same amount

that in your struggles

to find yourself

you are losing yourself

piece

by fucking 

piece

because

until you value

yourself

you will have nothing

i will pity you

because i know

i deserve more

and that the next person

who will get 

part of my soul

isn't going 

to be 

the random 

guy from Tinder

or down the bar

or from my 

class

it's not 

just going to be

some person

whom i connect with

on a purely

surface

and shallow

level

it will be someone

who deserves it

someone 

who doesn't complete me

but compliments me

values me

and who i am

and realizes

that 

he loves me

before he lets me go

who has not lost himself

and is using me

to forge the path

in his own dark mind

no

it will be someone

who understands that 

even without me

he is strong

independent

and something to be 

proud of

because until 

you value yourself'

how can you value others

and how

can you expect others

to value you?

i pity your

need

to find something

in the beat

besides mental solace

your need for body heat

because eventually

someone elses body heat

will be all you have

Life is too short to be anything but honest and loving. I learned that again today. Holding grudges and anger is useless in world like the one we live in. Every moment is much to precious to be wasted holding on to sadness and despair. Take your time. Remind those people you love why you love them, and remind yourself why you have every reason to be thankful for today, because tomorrow might bring a different story.

Today, I am thankful because I am alive. I am thankful that my family is all healthy, and safe. I am thankful for my friends who are honest and truly care for me.

Today, I am thankful.

Day is done, gone the sun,

From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;

All is well, safely rest, 

God is nigh.

So obviously

I like quotes

and pictures.

So while scrolling through

my hard drive this evening

instead of being productive

I found some of these

Words of wisdom

that rang true to me

at some point, 

or another.

That somehow, I have found again

I hope 

that maybe

just maybe

that these will do something for you

not all of them

are how I feel 

EXACTLY

at this moment

but some of them

remind me of how strong

I am

and always will be

I have stood up for things

and myself. 

I refuse to let myself 

be belittled

or taken down.

I know that I can do good things. 

And now 

is my time 

to do so. 

This,

is my sign. 

For 24 hours, I would like to be a small, pathetic human. Eating cookies, calling and crying for help, and feeling sucked in my own quicksand of self pity. Sometimes, when I try so hard to hold it together, it's like trying to tape up a ball of icing. Some parts are packed in tight, and ain't nothing going to shake them. But here and there, are little stress splits. The goo slips out in the small opening and as much as I try to stuff it back in, sometimes I can't. So then I just feel like some sort of hormonal teenage crying over the fact that my favorite character died in my TV show. When in all reality, it's not a defect that there are small imperfections in my armor. And that sometimes, my hard tough exterior is just a facade to protect me from those people that don't deserve to know the real, squishy soul Emily. But for one day, I would like to let the fluff slip out. Have someone braid my hair, and watch sappy movies with me.Sit quietly, crafting and binge watching Netflix. Wallow in the self pity that comes with becoming an adult.

I think that is why I feel so discombobulated lately. I've spent more time trying to stuff my torn up pieces back inside that I haven't sat back and reflected. Let my fluff hang out for a minute, and ask for the help I need to sew it back up.

I need a break. I need some time to sit, lick my wounds, and think. Write. Read. Take pictures. Get lost in something I want to do for as long as I want to do it, with no time constraints, need for food, previous obligations. I need time devoted to simply me, myself and I. No Native American Art and Architecture, or nagging feelings that I need to sign up for the GRE. 24 hours of plain, soul reviving quiet. Drowning out my anxieties, and refreshing for the new year. I will graduate, in a little over 20 weeks. I will move on with becoming who I want to be. I will not only survive, but flourish in the cold winter plains.

I guess this isn't really about self - pity. Or being sad for that matter. It's about feeling overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with life choices. I am overwhelmed with my desire to do everything, help everyone, be everywhere. I am overwhelmed with the endless opportunities that are waiting for me.

 So yeah.

I guess I don't really have it that bad.

I have so many things to be thankful for. I have forced my residents and family to reflect on it many times in the past few weeks, but I guess I myself haven't.

I am thankful that I am healthy. A bit pudgier than I should be, but healthy. I am thankful that I am graduating with no debt, and a degree in something I love, and I think I am pretty darn good at. I am thankful for my parents, who put up with my sometimes overwhelming need to call twice in a row, just to make sure that they are okay. I am thankful that they too, are healthy. That they have jobs, and livelihoods, and are beginning to find themselves again after spending the last 21 years raising my brother and I. That they have each other, so even if in 20 some odd weeks they are packing me up to go work in Kansas, they won't be alone. I am thankful for my brother, who I know would go to the ends of the earth for me, and who is more important to me than I think he realizes. He is so smart, and I hope that someday soon he realizes that. I am thankful for my grandmas, and that they are still alive, and mainly healthy. That I have the opportunities to see them more than once a year. I am thankful I get to see Grandma Joan for Christmas, and even if part of our day is stuck in the dorms, that I can celebrate the holidays with the people I love. I am thankful for my cousins, even if they sometimes irritate me. I know that right now it's the age gap, and every year they get older, it becomes a little less noticeable. I am thankful for the years I got to spend with Grandpa and Kurt. That I was lucky enough to have them in my life for as long as I did, and to have found memories of them. I am thankful for my friends. The ones who have been there consistently, even when I don't answer the phone. That they still love me, even if sometimes my tough love tells them things they don't want to hear. I am thankful for the fact that I am alive. That I have the opportunities to be educated, and to use my education to make a difference. I am thankful for the fact that even when I try to wallow in self-pity, my mind reminds me of all the things I have to be thankful for, and won't let me. That even if I am 30 pounds heavier than I should be, and feeling super lost because I have no idea how to take the next 12 steps in my life, that there are a million and one more reasons to be happy. Wallowing will do nothing.


So I guess I just needed to write it out. To remind myself to not wallow. That in five days, my exams will be over and I will have a couple of days to regroup, and reset for the next semester. That instead of freaking out about things I cannot control, that I need to start taking care of the things that I can.

Life goes on, whether or not I'm ready to go with it. I just need to remember to be thankful that at least I'm not on a plank in the ocean when the next storm comes along. That life is still worth living, even if sometimes the salt burns.

--My goal for the afternoon -- 

Finish reading for my history class so that I can take some pictures of my latest crafting endeavor . 

I wish I had a bit more insight to share with the world right now. 

But right now, finding some quiet me time in taking pictures

after this hectic vacation

before this hectic end of the semester

might be a good start. 

We were living in black and white

All I see is red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning, no one can help

Cher is my celebrity crush.                                                                 

        No if's and's or buts about it. 

She is strong, independent

and just utterly beautiful

inside and out.  

She's been through some shit

in her life. 

ran around the block

more than once

but still. 

She is strong. 

She has not only survived

but thrived. 

Sirens through my head, everything you said

Floating lost at sea with sharks around our bed

Wish I heard the call when it was the end

Warnings filled the air but it was too late to pretend

We were living in black and white

Under the grayest sky

Since we've been over, it won't stop

This isn't supposed to be some

creepy fan-girl post. 

It's an awkward appreciation post

of sorts. 

Because damn it, 

I am so excited I could pee 

that I get to go see her perform in April.

All I see is red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning no one can help

It's all around me

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red, now

All I see is red now

So as I listen to her newest CD

on repeat

intertwined with my deluxe CD set

from her Believe tour

I remind myself that I am strong.

I am independent. 

I am more than a couple of speed bumps

that have appeared in the snow.

So. 

It's okay 

that I've been crying a  lot lately.

That sure as hell doesn't mean
I am weak.

Used to be that you were every color of my life

A rainbow shining through the rain, cutting like a knife

You were my obsession every night and every day

So when we fell apart the blue was more than I could take

We were living in black and white

Under the grayest sky

Since we've been over, it won't stop

All it means is that I am growing. 

That every day is one more step forward, 

and one more day farther away

from sadness.

I refuse to let 

my college life crisis

define me. 

I refuse to be defined

by a bruised ego

and a slightly battered heart.

I refuse to become some 

shadow of myself.  

All I see is red, red

All I see is red, red

It's all around me

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red, now

All I see is red, now

So in three days,

three weeks,

three months

three years.

Whatever it takes.  

However long it takes. 

I can look back at these posts

and remember this time in my life.

I can watch myself grow

as I find myself again.

As I redefine who I want to be

and who I will become. 

By my choice. 

Not by the actions of others, 

but by who I want to be.

What I deserve. 

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

I will find my words again. 

To discuss feminism, and 

the human complexities

surrounding me. 

I will move away from the sad,                                                                                                 yet slightly empowering posts. 

I will find my voice,                                                                                                                       and not be afraid to use it. 

I will use my words,                                                                                                                           to define my existence. 

I will not only survive,                                                                                                                                   but I will thrive. 

Red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning, no one can help

It's all around me

I will save myself. 

(With the help from my friends

and family)

Rise from the red, 

and renew. 

Thought for the day:

Everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go.Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

It's not the storm before the calm

It's crazy

how a song

can put things into words

what you didn't even know

you felt

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

My previous post is all song lyrics

songs that have been in my head 

and through my life in the past

few weeks

from sad, to empowering. 

In essence
just music,

for the moment

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

I  am finding solace

even more than before

with the noise around me.

From a song on repeat

to endless episodes of 

"How I Met Your Mother"

to the whir of the elliptical

and the clank of heavy weights.

Noise
 means I am not alone

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Not that I can't survive alone

but it's a reminder

that the world is still spinning

that life, 

is still worth living

and just because I lost sight of that

for a moment

or two

I can find it again

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

As long as I open my ears

and my heart.

Listen, 
with everything I have

Take chances

Keep loving

Just be me

Because in the end

life will keep  moving

like the rush of the ocean

and the change in the weather

so whats the use in praying

that you and me might 

end up together?

*thanks Ron Pope for that line

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

At the end of the day

the clock resets;
a new page appears.
A fresh white blanket 
to start writing the next chapter

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

It will not erase

the previous pages

stained with tears of ink

and sweat of hate

but will give me the chance 

to begin anew.

To start writing my story

how I want it to be.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

The only person you live with forever

is yourself. 

And god damn it,

I really like myself. 

Some days, I may not be completely

enthralled with how my pants

squeeze in the middle

but I'd rather be stuffed in them

then suffocating 

in a fake smile.

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

So. 

I'm no longer slow dancing

in a burning room.

I'm gone.

Far, far away. 

Some days, I might miss the heat

but at least in the cold

I can be myself.

And eventually

I'll find someone

who will brave the cold

with me.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

Sometimes, a song explains it better

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking round rooms, wondering what I've got to do
or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me.

Thank God you blew it

I thank God I dodged the bullet

I'm so over you

Baby good lookin' out

I spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,

I'll do what it takes til I touch the sky

and I'll 

make a wish

take a chance

make a change

and breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

but I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change 

and breakaway

I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many times I've kicked you outta here

or said something insulting

I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything 

I can cut you into pieces 

when my heart is broken

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

it's compromise that moves us along

Because of you 

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you 

I find it hard to trust not only me

but everyone around me

Stronger than yesterday

Now it's nothing but my way

My loneliness ain't killing me no more

I'm stronger

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees, you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad

You get strong

Wipe your hands

Shake it off

Then you stand

I made a promise to myself

locked it away, 

deep down inside

Told my heart we'd wait it out

swore we'd never compromise

Oh I'd rather be alone

Like I am tonight

Than settle for the kind of love

That fades before the morning light

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breathe

scared to rock the boat

and make a mess

So I sat quietly

agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing

so I fell for everything

.

.

.

I got the eye of the tiger

a fighter

dancing through the fire

cause I am a champion

and you're gonna hear me roar

louder, louder than a lion

cause I am a champion

and you're gonna hear me

roar

May your tears come from laughing

you find friends worth having

as every year passes

they mean more than gold

may you win but stay humble

smile more than grumble

and know when you stumble

you're never alone

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there

With open arms, and open eyes

Hopefully you'll be fine without me by your side
Hopefully I will too
Times have changed and I don't even know myself
Do I even want to?

I hope you find it 
What you're looking for
I hope it's everything you dreamed your life could be
and so much more
and I hope your happy
wherever you are
and I wanted you to know that
and nothing's gonna change that
I hope you find it

When you think Tim McGraw

I hope you think my favorite song

The one we danced to all night long

The moon like a spotlight on the lake

When you think happiness

I hope you think that little black dress

Think of my head on your chest

and my old faded blue jeans

When you think Tim McGraw

I hope you think of me

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home 

Only know  you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

I've heard it said

that people come into our lives for

a reason

bringing something we must learn

and we are led

to those who help us most to grow

if we let them

and we help them in return

Someday love will find you 

break those chains that bind you

one night will remind you

how we touched

and went our separate ways

It's not a silly little moment

It's not the storm before the calm

This is the deep and dying breath of 

this love that we've been working on

can't seem to hold you like I want to

So I can feel you in my arms

Nobody's gonna come and save you

We pulled too many false alarms 

Into the blue

I am swimming. Waves are rolling gently, pushing me to and fro, as the sun shines down on me. I lay my head back, listening to the purr of the water as it flows past me. I feel free, as though I am flying through the liquid. Without warning my face grows cold. I open my eyes, as a sudden chill wind is whistling past my face. The sun has slid behind a fluffy white could, a cloud like you could only imagine tasting like pure sugar and happiness. However happiness is the last feeling I have, as I slowly upright myself to tread water. I look ahead, to see small waves in the distance. I glance back behind me, and suddenly feel myself engulfed by a swell. I bob up, riding the huge movement of this monster that suddenly appeared.  The waves are coming faster now, the white caps swollen with rage. They are carrying me closer and closer to shore, and I’m hoping that if I time it right the waves will safely deposit me upon the shore. I ready myself, feeling the spray as the crest’s rain down on me. I catch the wave, and I begin bodysurfing towards shore, almost fast as I go when I am cruising down Fourth street on my bike and the wind is ripping through my hair and stinging my eyes. I am going too fast, and I have lost my feet in the froth. I barely have time to catch my breath before I am face first in the water. The sand is scraping my face and the rush of water is almost deafening. I claw at the silken walls surrounding me. The water envelopes me, thick with cold tendrils piercing my skin. I tumble, hand over foot. My head scrapes against the sandy bottom and stops up my nose. Suddenly my head breaks the surface and I falter. I claw the water attempting to hold my head above water. I pull in one quick gulp, the water and air rushing down my throat. I sputter, and am suddenly overtaken by another tidal wave. The crush envelopes me, and I can’t push back. My body is scraping through the shallow rivets of sand. I tumble, over and over again. I try and scream but the sand fills my mouth. I choke it out and suddenly I’m above the water again, beached like a small seal. I cough, and ropy strands of snot fall from my nose. My breath comes in raspy gasps, my head hanging with my hair in the sand. I breathe deeply, as deeply as I dare, my lungs filling with the crisp burn of air.  Ohps.; too deep. I choke, and a wave of nausea overcomes me. I can feel the excess amount of water churning in my gut, mixing with the bile and sand, weighing me down. I raise my head, as far as I dare, eyes darting through the thick mask of my hair. The strands are ropy, clumped together by the snot and sand. I breathe again, testing the feeling of air within my lungs again. The particles burn but as the oxygen flows I can feel my brain coming to life again. The water laps around my knees, pushed deep into the sand from the weight of my soul. The water licks up around my body, gently calling me, apologizing for its rough treatment. I glance over my shoulder, the sun blinding me as it bounces off of the suddenly glass surface. Only small ripples break the clean sheet. It looks cool, inviting, as I realize how hot my shoulders have become. The heat is suddenly overwhelming. My body doesn’t seem to want to move though, as though it knows what is coming. My heart strings tug, pulling my soul towards the water. It understands the sanctity that the water provides, the calm that encompasses the rapids of my brain. I slowly rise, palms lifting me up as the weight of my body imprints them into the solid mass beneath me.  I stand, legs extending as I rise up, up, up. The hair around my face falls back, exposing my face to the sun as I stretch back, arcing spinal muscles. The click, cracking like a strand of pearls clacking together, in one fell swoop. I stretch my arms so far over my head that I can feel the muscles strain with the effort. They are sore from the time I’ve spent in the water. My feet are sinking into the beach, water lapping around my ankles as my toes disappear one by one, consumed by the brown grit. I straighten, and turn my body. One foot in front of the other, I stroll into the blue as though nothing had ever happened. 

Tick-Tock

I am waiting for the day when my heart doesn't drop every time I hear your name.

That my palms don't start to sweat and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about you.

For the night that I can sleep without being plagued by your voice that I try so hard to drown out in my waking moments.

When I go on Facebook, this insane urge to vomit doesn't boil in my throat and my pulse sky rocket as a Snap chat from you appears.

When I can wake up in the morning and not be disappointed from the moment I open my eyes because I didn't hear from you.

Because I know I won't hear from you.

And I'm tired of hoping that maybe, some morning, you might wake up and realize how badly you actually fucked up.

Cause goddamn it, I don't think you do.

Maybe that's what makes the tears sting the worst; knowing that you have no goddamn clue. That you just easily erased me from your life like a small bug just to be swept under the carpet with all the other girls that crawl out from every crevice trying to get a piece of you.

That you aren't the person I thought you were.

That maybe it was all a lie.

Because how in the hell can you seemingly care so much about a person

but watch your relationship disintegrate without so much as a batted eye

unless your honeysuckle words were just as poison filled as my heart is now.


So read it. Read this. Read every single goddamn word I write. Read everything I want to say but can't say, read every line with the fire that burns behind it. Read it and feel something. Read what I can so eloquently display in black and white, html and pixels, that rush in the rapids of my brain.

Read it and weep.

Because eventually, that day is going to come.

My heart will stay still as you walk by, and the urge to look at your Facebook will fade with my emotions.
My stomach bile will reside safely where it should, and my palms will only be sweaty from working out.
That at night, my dreams will be something I want to live again during the day, not banish with the sunrise.
That one morning, I'll wake up with someone else.

And I won't miss you at all.

Only need the light when it's burning low

I'm not really sure what I want right now. In that same sense, I'm not really sure what I need. 

I thought I did. I think I do, at least for the most part. But it seems that my purpose has been lacking lately. I just keep waiting for the day when a fresh blanket of snow coats the yard, for when I wake up and feel the urge to jump out of bed because I have something to look forward to. Not just the normal, everyday excitement, but that gut wrenching passion. 

I still have my passion. It just seems to be so much harder to find these days. I only seem to find creative freedom behind my camera, when I don't have to talk and I can just let my mind do what it does. When my fingers are flying across my keyboard, writing out things that I wasn't even aware I was feeling. I find some feelings of endorphin's when I'm at the gym, but I miss the quiet comfort of Advantage. Of not being stared at by awkwardly muscled old men, giving me pointers. 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for.

 Maybe it's the waiting. The fact that the more I work, the closer the fateful day comes when I get my sassy green cap and jauntily walk off into the future. That the day when it all changes is not too far off. 

Maybe I'm waiting for a sign. A sign of what, I'm not really sure. A sign for what, I'm even less sure of.  

Maybe I'm waiting for someone else besides myself to love me. I mean, I know I'm pretty damn fantastic, but it would be nice for someone else to acknowledge it besides my mother. (Don't get me wrong, I love praise from my mother. But eventually, I would like to maybe get married, and not live alone forever being Connor's built in dog-sitter.) 

Maybe I'm waiting for me to actually start loving myself. By going to the gym, and thinking of myself first. Sometimes, not getting the selfish teenager gene has its downfalls. I used to spend every moment taking care of every living breathing thing around me. Now, I seem to be caught. Seems as though that doing that last time backfired. The last bajillion times in fact. 

But again, I have to remember what I've blogged about in the past: I can't save everyone. I can't scrub away everyone's problems, worries, doubts, regrets, even just their asshole personalities. Sometimes, I need to remember to just walk away. 

I need to breathe, regroup. Move forward. Find something to love again. Find my love again. 

Maybe it's just a funk. 

I have thousands of words. Thoughts. Feelings. Dreams. Aspirations.

Now if I only had thousands of hours to share them.

For Good

I love musicals. 

It's probably one of my biggest hidden nerd loves. 

I could watch them for hours, and watch them endlessly on repeat. 

My poor parents have witnessed it. 

I remember being a kid, and watching "Meet Me in St. Louis", "The Unsinkable Molly Brown", 

with my Grandma, 

over and over again.

I remember getting to go to the dinner theater

in Minneapolis with Grandma AND Grandpa

and feeling so special. 

"My Fair Lady"

"The King and I"

and more.  

I remember watching "Grease" with my parents

and every single Disney known to man. 

I consistently go on play dates with my mother, to either plays put on by Northern

or the community. 

My CD collection? Either NOW! CD's 

or musicals. 

I sing them constantly, listen to them constantly.

Musicals have honestly shaped me

and I look to them for safety in times 

of turmoil.

For backup in times of exuberance.

They will forever be 

a part of my life.

So right now, 

this song reminds me 

to remember the good. 

People come into our lives 

for a reason

and thus, there is a reason for everything

I just have to let it happen. 

I don't want this to be me. 

I don't want to lose my passion. 

I don't want to become

a shell 

of a human. 

I want to be happy, 

dance in the rain, 

and move forward. 

I don't ever want to become

stagnate

un-moving 

dirty

with a soul full of germs, 

like I am slowly becoming 

I have too much to do

to become too old;

to have my bones

be so weary 

already

I have plans

And I'm going to start giving a shit again

Too much

I have discovered my problem.

I care too much. Too fiercely, with too much passion.

If I have pulled you inside my inner circle, those people that I call my "best friends", my family, I will go to the end of earth for you. I will do anything and everything I can to help you, to show you how much I care.

What gets me in trouble, is that sometimes, I feel like these people I deem important to me, don't categorize me the same way.

I can never tell if I'm more than just one of the million friends, who is just one of the list when they have spare time and feel the need to chat.

I can never tell if I have a problem, will they even pick up the phone for me?

I can never tell, if I am just one flower in a bouquet of hundreds, one of the throngs of people, one of the million grains of sand in one moment of their life.

But then again, maybe I'm just over-analyzing. And maybe, I just need to remember that some people show how they care in different ways.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to pull 50,000 leagues out of a mud puddle when I should really just stomp on through and enjoy the murkiness of life.