For 24 hours, I would like to be a small, pathetic human. Eating cookies, calling and crying for help, and feeling sucked in my own quicksand of self pity. Sometimes, when I try so hard to hold it together, it's like trying to tape up a ball of icing. Some parts are packed in tight, and ain't nothing going to shake them. But here and there, are little stress splits. The goo slips out in the small opening and as much as I try to stuff it back in, sometimes I can't. So then I just feel like some sort of hormonal teenage crying over the fact that my favorite character died in my TV show. When in all reality, it's not a defect that there are small imperfections in my armor. And that sometimes, my hard tough exterior is just a facade to protect me from those people that don't deserve to know the real, squishy soul Emily. But for one day, I would like to let the fluff slip out. Have someone braid my hair, and watch sappy movies with me.Sit quietly, crafting and binge watching Netflix. Wallow in the self pity that comes with becoming an adult.

I think that is why I feel so discombobulated lately. I've spent more time trying to stuff my torn up pieces back inside that I haven't sat back and reflected. Let my fluff hang out for a minute, and ask for the help I need to sew it back up.

I need a break. I need some time to sit, lick my wounds, and think. Write. Read. Take pictures. Get lost in something I want to do for as long as I want to do it, with no time constraints, need for food, previous obligations. I need time devoted to simply me, myself and I. No Native American Art and Architecture, or nagging feelings that I need to sign up for the GRE. 24 hours of plain, soul reviving quiet. Drowning out my anxieties, and refreshing for the new year. I will graduate, in a little over 20 weeks. I will move on with becoming who I want to be. I will not only survive, but flourish in the cold winter plains.

I guess this isn't really about self - pity. Or being sad for that matter. It's about feeling overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with life choices. I am overwhelmed with my desire to do everything, help everyone, be everywhere. I am overwhelmed with the endless opportunities that are waiting for me.

 So yeah.

I guess I don't really have it that bad.

I have so many things to be thankful for. I have forced my residents and family to reflect on it many times in the past few weeks, but I guess I myself haven't.

I am thankful that I am healthy. A bit pudgier than I should be, but healthy. I am thankful that I am graduating with no debt, and a degree in something I love, and I think I am pretty darn good at. I am thankful for my parents, who put up with my sometimes overwhelming need to call twice in a row, just to make sure that they are okay. I am thankful that they too, are healthy. That they have jobs, and livelihoods, and are beginning to find themselves again after spending the last 21 years raising my brother and I. That they have each other, so even if in 20 some odd weeks they are packing me up to go work in Kansas, they won't be alone. I am thankful for my brother, who I know would go to the ends of the earth for me, and who is more important to me than I think he realizes. He is so smart, and I hope that someday soon he realizes that. I am thankful for my grandmas, and that they are still alive, and mainly healthy. That I have the opportunities to see them more than once a year. I am thankful I get to see Grandma Joan for Christmas, and even if part of our day is stuck in the dorms, that I can celebrate the holidays with the people I love. I am thankful for my cousins, even if they sometimes irritate me. I know that right now it's the age gap, and every year they get older, it becomes a little less noticeable. I am thankful for the years I got to spend with Grandpa and Kurt. That I was lucky enough to have them in my life for as long as I did, and to have found memories of them. I am thankful for my friends. The ones who have been there consistently, even when I don't answer the phone. That they still love me, even if sometimes my tough love tells them things they don't want to hear. I am thankful for the fact that I am alive. That I have the opportunities to be educated, and to use my education to make a difference. I am thankful for the fact that even when I try to wallow in self-pity, my mind reminds me of all the things I have to be thankful for, and won't let me. That even if I am 30 pounds heavier than I should be, and feeling super lost because I have no idea how to take the next 12 steps in my life, that there are a million and one more reasons to be happy. Wallowing will do nothing.


So I guess I just needed to write it out. To remind myself to not wallow. That in five days, my exams will be over and I will have a couple of days to regroup, and reset for the next semester. That instead of freaking out about things I cannot control, that I need to start taking care of the things that I can.

Life goes on, whether or not I'm ready to go with it. I just need to remember to be thankful that at least I'm not on a plank in the ocean when the next storm comes along. That life is still worth living, even if sometimes the salt burns.