We were living in black and white

All I see is red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning, no one can help

Cher is my celebrity crush.                                                                 

        No if's and's or buts about it. 

She is strong, independent

and just utterly beautiful

inside and out.  

She's been through some shit

in her life. 

ran around the block

more than once

but still. 

She is strong. 

She has not only survived

but thrived. 

Sirens through my head, everything you said

Floating lost at sea with sharks around our bed

Wish I heard the call when it was the end

Warnings filled the air but it was too late to pretend

We were living in black and white

Under the grayest sky

Since we've been over, it won't stop

This isn't supposed to be some

creepy fan-girl post. 

It's an awkward appreciation post

of sorts. 

Because damn it, 

I am so excited I could pee 

that I get to go see her perform in April.

All I see is red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning no one can help

It's all around me

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red, now

All I see is red now

So as I listen to her newest CD

on repeat

intertwined with my deluxe CD set

from her Believe tour

I remind myself that I am strong.

I am independent. 

I am more than a couple of speed bumps

that have appeared in the snow.

So. 

It's okay 

that I've been crying a  lot lately.

That sure as hell doesn't mean
I am weak.

Used to be that you were every color of my life

A rainbow shining through the rain, cutting like a knife

You were my obsession every night and every day

So when we fell apart the blue was more than I could take

We were living in black and white

Under the grayest sky

Since we've been over, it won't stop

All it means is that I am growing. 

That every day is one more step forward, 

and one more day farther away

from sadness.

I refuse to let 

my college life crisis

define me. 

I refuse to be defined

by a bruised ego

and a slightly battered heart.

I refuse to become some 

shadow of myself.  

All I see is red, red

All I see is red, red

It's all around me

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red, now

All I see is red, now

So in three days,

three weeks,

three months

three years.

Whatever it takes.  

However long it takes. 

I can look back at these posts

and remember this time in my life.

I can watch myself grow

as I find myself again.

As I redefine who I want to be

and who I will become. 

By my choice. 

Not by the actions of others, 

but by who I want to be.

What I deserve. 

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

Red from my heart, red like my blood

Red from my lips when you told me you were done

I will find my words again. 

To discuss feminism, and 

the human complexities

surrounding me. 

I will move away from the sad,                                                                                                 yet slightly empowering posts. 

I will find my voice,                                                                                                                       and not be afraid to use it. 

I will use my words,                                                                                                                           to define my existence. 

I will not only survive,                                                                                                                                   but I will thrive. 

Red, now

Just can't dream nothing else

All I see is red, now

I'm drowning, no one can help

It's all around me

I will save myself. 

(With the help from my friends

and family)

Rise from the red, 

and renew. 

Thought for the day:

Everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go.Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

It's not the storm before the calm

It's crazy

how a song

can put things into words

what you didn't even know

you felt

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

My previous post is all song lyrics

songs that have been in my head 

and through my life in the past

few weeks

from sad, to empowering. 

In essence
just music,

for the moment

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

I  am finding solace

even more than before

with the noise around me.

From a song on repeat

to endless episodes of 

"How I Met Your Mother"

to the whir of the elliptical

and the clank of heavy weights.

Noise
 means I am not alone

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Not that I can't survive alone

but it's a reminder

that the world is still spinning

that life, 

is still worth living

and just because I lost sight of that

for a moment

or two

I can find it again

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

As long as I open my ears

and my heart.

Listen, 
with everything I have

Take chances

Keep loving

Just be me

Because in the end

life will keep  moving

like the rush of the ocean

and the change in the weather

so whats the use in praying

that you and me might 

end up together?

*thanks Ron Pope for that line

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

At the end of the day

the clock resets;
a new page appears.
A fresh white blanket 
to start writing the next chapter

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

It will not erase

the previous pages

stained with tears of ink

and sweat of hate

but will give me the chance 

to begin anew.

To start writing my story

how I want it to be.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

The only person you live with forever

is yourself. 

And god damn it,

I really like myself. 

Some days, I may not be completely

enthralled with how my pants

squeeze in the middle

but I'd rather be stuffed in them

then suffocating 

in a fake smile.

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

So. 

I'm no longer slow dancing

in a burning room.

I'm gone.

Far, far away. 

Some days, I might miss the heat

but at least in the cold

I can be myself.

And eventually

I'll find someone

who will brave the cold

with me.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

Sometimes, a song explains it better

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking round rooms, wondering what I've got to do
or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me.

Thank God you blew it

I thank God I dodged the bullet

I'm so over you

Baby good lookin' out

I spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,

I'll do what it takes til I touch the sky

and I'll 

make a wish

take a chance

make a change

and breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

but I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change 

and breakaway

I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many times I've kicked you outta here

or said something insulting

I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything 

I can cut you into pieces 

when my heart is broken

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

it's compromise that moves us along

Because of you 

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you 

I find it hard to trust not only me

but everyone around me

Stronger than yesterday

Now it's nothing but my way

My loneliness ain't killing me no more

I'm stronger

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees, you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad

You get strong

Wipe your hands

Shake it off

Then you stand

I made a promise to myself

locked it away, 

deep down inside

Told my heart we'd wait it out

swore we'd never compromise

Oh I'd rather be alone

Like I am tonight

Than settle for the kind of love

That fades before the morning light

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breathe

scared to rock the boat

and make a mess

So I sat quietly

agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing

so I fell for everything

.

.

.

I got the eye of the tiger

a fighter

dancing through the fire

cause I am a champion

and you're gonna hear me roar

louder, louder than a lion

cause I am a champion

and you're gonna hear me

roar

May your tears come from laughing

you find friends worth having

as every year passes

they mean more than gold

may you win but stay humble

smile more than grumble

and know when you stumble

you're never alone

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there

With open arms, and open eyes

Hopefully you'll be fine without me by your side
Hopefully I will too
Times have changed and I don't even know myself
Do I even want to?

I hope you find it 
What you're looking for
I hope it's everything you dreamed your life could be
and so much more
and I hope your happy
wherever you are
and I wanted you to know that
and nothing's gonna change that
I hope you find it

When you think Tim McGraw

I hope you think my favorite song

The one we danced to all night long

The moon like a spotlight on the lake

When you think happiness

I hope you think that little black dress

Think of my head on your chest

and my old faded blue jeans

When you think Tim McGraw

I hope you think of me

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home 

Only know  you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

I've heard it said

that people come into our lives for

a reason

bringing something we must learn

and we are led

to those who help us most to grow

if we let them

and we help them in return

Someday love will find you 

break those chains that bind you

one night will remind you

how we touched

and went our separate ways

It's not a silly little moment

It's not the storm before the calm

This is the deep and dying breath of 

this love that we've been working on

can't seem to hold you like I want to

So I can feel you in my arms

Nobody's gonna come and save you

We pulled too many false alarms 

Into the blue

I am swimming. Waves are rolling gently, pushing me to and fro, as the sun shines down on me. I lay my head back, listening to the purr of the water as it flows past me. I feel free, as though I am flying through the liquid. Without warning my face grows cold. I open my eyes, as a sudden chill wind is whistling past my face. The sun has slid behind a fluffy white could, a cloud like you could only imagine tasting like pure sugar and happiness. However happiness is the last feeling I have, as I slowly upright myself to tread water. I look ahead, to see small waves in the distance. I glance back behind me, and suddenly feel myself engulfed by a swell. I bob up, riding the huge movement of this monster that suddenly appeared.  The waves are coming faster now, the white caps swollen with rage. They are carrying me closer and closer to shore, and I’m hoping that if I time it right the waves will safely deposit me upon the shore. I ready myself, feeling the spray as the crest’s rain down on me. I catch the wave, and I begin bodysurfing towards shore, almost fast as I go when I am cruising down Fourth street on my bike and the wind is ripping through my hair and stinging my eyes. I am going too fast, and I have lost my feet in the froth. I barely have time to catch my breath before I am face first in the water. The sand is scraping my face and the rush of water is almost deafening. I claw at the silken walls surrounding me. The water envelopes me, thick with cold tendrils piercing my skin. I tumble, hand over foot. My head scrapes against the sandy bottom and stops up my nose. Suddenly my head breaks the surface and I falter. I claw the water attempting to hold my head above water. I pull in one quick gulp, the water and air rushing down my throat. I sputter, and am suddenly overtaken by another tidal wave. The crush envelopes me, and I can’t push back. My body is scraping through the shallow rivets of sand. I tumble, over and over again. I try and scream but the sand fills my mouth. I choke it out and suddenly I’m above the water again, beached like a small seal. I cough, and ropy strands of snot fall from my nose. My breath comes in raspy gasps, my head hanging with my hair in the sand. I breathe deeply, as deeply as I dare, my lungs filling with the crisp burn of air.  Ohps.; too deep. I choke, and a wave of nausea overcomes me. I can feel the excess amount of water churning in my gut, mixing with the bile and sand, weighing me down. I raise my head, as far as I dare, eyes darting through the thick mask of my hair. The strands are ropy, clumped together by the snot and sand. I breathe again, testing the feeling of air within my lungs again. The particles burn but as the oxygen flows I can feel my brain coming to life again. The water laps around my knees, pushed deep into the sand from the weight of my soul. The water licks up around my body, gently calling me, apologizing for its rough treatment. I glance over my shoulder, the sun blinding me as it bounces off of the suddenly glass surface. Only small ripples break the clean sheet. It looks cool, inviting, as I realize how hot my shoulders have become. The heat is suddenly overwhelming. My body doesn’t seem to want to move though, as though it knows what is coming. My heart strings tug, pulling my soul towards the water. It understands the sanctity that the water provides, the calm that encompasses the rapids of my brain. I slowly rise, palms lifting me up as the weight of my body imprints them into the solid mass beneath me.  I stand, legs extending as I rise up, up, up. The hair around my face falls back, exposing my face to the sun as I stretch back, arcing spinal muscles. The click, cracking like a strand of pearls clacking together, in one fell swoop. I stretch my arms so far over my head that I can feel the muscles strain with the effort. They are sore from the time I’ve spent in the water. My feet are sinking into the beach, water lapping around my ankles as my toes disappear one by one, consumed by the brown grit. I straighten, and turn my body. One foot in front of the other, I stroll into the blue as though nothing had ever happened. 

Tick-Tock

I am waiting for the day when my heart doesn't drop every time I hear your name.

That my palms don't start to sweat and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about you.

For the night that I can sleep without being plagued by your voice that I try so hard to drown out in my waking moments.

When I go on Facebook, this insane urge to vomit doesn't boil in my throat and my pulse sky rocket as a Snap chat from you appears.

When I can wake up in the morning and not be disappointed from the moment I open my eyes because I didn't hear from you.

Because I know I won't hear from you.

And I'm tired of hoping that maybe, some morning, you might wake up and realize how badly you actually fucked up.

Cause goddamn it, I don't think you do.

Maybe that's what makes the tears sting the worst; knowing that you have no goddamn clue. That you just easily erased me from your life like a small bug just to be swept under the carpet with all the other girls that crawl out from every crevice trying to get a piece of you.

That you aren't the person I thought you were.

That maybe it was all a lie.

Because how in the hell can you seemingly care so much about a person

but watch your relationship disintegrate without so much as a batted eye

unless your honeysuckle words were just as poison filled as my heart is now.


So read it. Read this. Read every single goddamn word I write. Read everything I want to say but can't say, read every line with the fire that burns behind it. Read it and feel something. Read what I can so eloquently display in black and white, html and pixels, that rush in the rapids of my brain.

Read it and weep.

Because eventually, that day is going to come.

My heart will stay still as you walk by, and the urge to look at your Facebook will fade with my emotions.
My stomach bile will reside safely where it should, and my palms will only be sweaty from working out.
That at night, my dreams will be something I want to live again during the day, not banish with the sunrise.
That one morning, I'll wake up with someone else.

And I won't miss you at all.

Only need the light when it's burning low

I'm not really sure what I want right now. In that same sense, I'm not really sure what I need. 

I thought I did. I think I do, at least for the most part. But it seems that my purpose has been lacking lately. I just keep waiting for the day when a fresh blanket of snow coats the yard, for when I wake up and feel the urge to jump out of bed because I have something to look forward to. Not just the normal, everyday excitement, but that gut wrenching passion. 

I still have my passion. It just seems to be so much harder to find these days. I only seem to find creative freedom behind my camera, when I don't have to talk and I can just let my mind do what it does. When my fingers are flying across my keyboard, writing out things that I wasn't even aware I was feeling. I find some feelings of endorphin's when I'm at the gym, but I miss the quiet comfort of Advantage. Of not being stared at by awkwardly muscled old men, giving me pointers. 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for.

 Maybe it's the waiting. The fact that the more I work, the closer the fateful day comes when I get my sassy green cap and jauntily walk off into the future. That the day when it all changes is not too far off. 

Maybe I'm waiting for a sign. A sign of what, I'm not really sure. A sign for what, I'm even less sure of.  

Maybe I'm waiting for someone else besides myself to love me. I mean, I know I'm pretty damn fantastic, but it would be nice for someone else to acknowledge it besides my mother. (Don't get me wrong, I love praise from my mother. But eventually, I would like to maybe get married, and not live alone forever being Connor's built in dog-sitter.) 

Maybe I'm waiting for me to actually start loving myself. By going to the gym, and thinking of myself first. Sometimes, not getting the selfish teenager gene has its downfalls. I used to spend every moment taking care of every living breathing thing around me. Now, I seem to be caught. Seems as though that doing that last time backfired. The last bajillion times in fact. 

But again, I have to remember what I've blogged about in the past: I can't save everyone. I can't scrub away everyone's problems, worries, doubts, regrets, even just their asshole personalities. Sometimes, I need to remember to just walk away. 

I need to breathe, regroup. Move forward. Find something to love again. Find my love again. 

Maybe it's just a funk. 

I have thousands of words. Thoughts. Feelings. Dreams. Aspirations.

Now if I only had thousands of hours to share them.

For Good

I love musicals. 

It's probably one of my biggest hidden nerd loves. 

I could watch them for hours, and watch them endlessly on repeat. 

My poor parents have witnessed it. 

I remember being a kid, and watching "Meet Me in St. Louis", "The Unsinkable Molly Brown", 

with my Grandma, 

over and over again.

I remember getting to go to the dinner theater

in Minneapolis with Grandma AND Grandpa

and feeling so special. 

"My Fair Lady"

"The King and I"

and more.  

I remember watching "Grease" with my parents

and every single Disney known to man. 

I consistently go on play dates with my mother, to either plays put on by Northern

or the community. 

My CD collection? Either NOW! CD's 

or musicals. 

I sing them constantly, listen to them constantly.

Musicals have honestly shaped me

and I look to them for safety in times 

of turmoil.

For backup in times of exuberance.

They will forever be 

a part of my life.

So right now, 

this song reminds me 

to remember the good. 

People come into our lives 

for a reason

and thus, there is a reason for everything

I just have to let it happen. 

I don't want this to be me. 

I don't want to lose my passion. 

I don't want to become

a shell 

of a human. 

I want to be happy, 

dance in the rain, 

and move forward. 

I don't ever want to become

stagnate

un-moving 

dirty

with a soul full of germs, 

like I am slowly becoming 

I have too much to do

to become too old;

to have my bones

be so weary 

already

I have plans

And I'm going to start giving a shit again

Too much

I have discovered my problem.

I care too much. Too fiercely, with too much passion.

If I have pulled you inside my inner circle, those people that I call my "best friends", my family, I will go to the end of earth for you. I will do anything and everything I can to help you, to show you how much I care.

What gets me in trouble, is that sometimes, I feel like these people I deem important to me, don't categorize me the same way.

I can never tell if I'm more than just one of the million friends, who is just one of the list when they have spare time and feel the need to chat.

I can never tell if I have a problem, will they even pick up the phone for me?

I can never tell, if I am just one flower in a bouquet of hundreds, one of the throngs of people, one of the million grains of sand in one moment of their life.

But then again, maybe I'm just over-analyzing. And maybe, I just need to remember that some people show how they care in different ways.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to pull 50,000 leagues out of a mud puddle when I should really just stomp on through and enjoy the murkiness of life.

So far I have written 2,524 words for my memoir.

Today, I have written 2,138 of them.

Tomorrow, I do not know how much I will write.

What I do know, is that the feeling of using my words again is inexplicably freeing.

So the best thing I can do, is to share these words. Or at least part of them.

       "The beginning is often the hardest part; to take a blank sheet and fill it, to step out onto the trail, to dive headfirst into the chilly waters. The beginning is often the part that when looked back upon, was harmless and could be conquered many times again. That is, you decide it can be conquered a million and one more times when you become faced with another ominous door that signifies the next step.

                On the other hand, the end could often be seen as the hardest part; the closing of the book, the last loaf of Grandma’s homemade bread, the graduation into adulthood. It’s the black abyss of life yet unexplored, stretching in front of you until you can feel the bile rising in the back of your throat as you stare blankly into the expanse. Out there, hundreds of not only new beginnings but new endings await. Each nestled like Russian dolls, one inside another, some that overlap and others that lead you off the path and onto an unexpected detour.

                However, I view both with the same distaste. In all reality, both are hard, because they are not solid. They are fluid in how they happen, where, when, who what and how they come about. Sometimes they are wrapped in one glittery package, where other times there is a long stretch in the maze until you find another light. Sometimes, they happen without you even noticing.

                So where does that bring me? Where does that bring us in the fruitless endeavor to find enlightenment in a world so full of shadows?

                I cannot tell you where the beginning of my struggle with anxiety began, nor where I began to enjoy gardening. I cannot tell you when I ended friendships based off of the simple fact that we were no longer who we used to be. I cannot show you the exact moment when I fell in love, fell into despair, fell into the pool of expression that came through the escape of my words, and my camera.

                One thing is to be certain, and I guess that may be where it is best fit to start.

                I was born May 6^th, 1992.

                I do not know when I will die.

                But what I do know is that in between, I am living."