I'm holding my heart back together

Just when we think we’ve figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball. So we have to improvise, we find happiness in unexpected places, we find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way, sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong.

Fate.

What exactly is it, and is it actually real? Where does a higher spirit step in, or when does stuff literally happen because that's the way the wind happened to blowing. Is it actually the Greek goddess chilling with their slimy eyeball and hair to cut your life short? Or is your life just one big game of chance starting from the day you were born and your mom named you Randolph?

 The dictionary says:

Fate: The will or principle determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do.

What does that even mean? The will...like as in the will in yourself? I know I've always heard stories about peopling dying just because they have lost the will to live when their heart breaks, or cat dies, or whatever.

Or is it the will of those around you? Is your life not shaped by you, but by what others do around you. Do you not shape your own life but everyone else s you come in contact with?

Where in the world does 'the will' come in. And how can a will be comparable to a principle? Here's my definition as interpreted from the lame dictionary definition:

Fate: That force of the unknown that makes your life the way it is.

Then comes this fuzzy line between faith and fate that goes along with every conversation on this topic. For me, sometimes it's hard to justify believing in faith. As a society, religion is a highly controversial topic. Many believe that fate is not fate, but a higher power, usually named God. My question on that is where does his/her input end and the winds of the world take over? With almost seven billion people living on planet earth, how is one being supposed to remember every mundane thing that happens to us each and every minute of our lives?

Yes, the argument goes to the fact that 'it' isn't just a normal being but it still confuses me. I'd like to believe that I've got someone looking out for me, telling me what things to do and what to know as I go into them. But how do I know that God knows me from Joe Schmo living above me on Halverson? I think my life is important, and so does my mom. I'm sure that there are others as well, but whose to say that some of the people reading this have any care in what goes on in my life. For all I know, you could be some kid Stumbling  because your sociology class got boring.

I guess...I think its fate. That there may or may not be some higher power, but all that he does is set me up with some major obstacles to hit in my life that have to do with other people and besides that? He lets fate take over. Why care how I get there as long as I get there with the knowledge I need to know? So many things in life come down to 'Wow, that was a lucky save. You could have almost died.' I think Fate is one God's little minions who helps me out. I think that she's the one who sets the stage, and just attempts to get across the moral they decided to give me.

Fate is fate is fate. Life happens for a reason and weather we actually ever figure out how it works or not, the world will continue to live.

We’re all just hu­man, don’t waste your time

Dear Emily in her freshman year of college,

This is Emily from September 20th, 2011. Sadly, I feel like I failed this going back in time thing to help you out this year, but you know what? I'm still going to grade you. Because maybe if I remind you, you won't make the same mistakes again.

First Mistake: Getting a boyfriend/finding a man friend the first week of school. Or just poor choices in picking boys in general.
       Poor choice Emily. Just saying. I mean really? I know you had quite the lackluster love life in high school, but what in the hell made you think that you could change that all in the first 48 hours of being here at school? Next time, when you meet a guy, make sure you get to know him before you decide that you're meant to be or whatever that crap is you pulled last year. For obvious reason's I'd rather not go into detail but in all reality, he was an ass. Straight up. So please maybe try a bit harder to realize that you need a guy who can challenge you, not bring you down. Like he said, you're going somewhere, and you need someone with you whose going to support that, not try and keep you back with him. Also, realize that just because it makes him feel good to have you dependent on him, you most definitely do NOT need to.
       Grade: D

Second Mistake: Not being respectful of fire
         Come on kid. Really? Self explanatory. Please think next time you're holding a lighted candle near your very flamable hair. Just saying. It's been almost a year and your hair has only just recovered.
     Grade: C+

Third Mistake: Not taking all opportunities
You're greatest weakness is your fear to do things. Make commitments and do things. Even if it only sounds somewhat fun, do it anyways. Everything's a learning experience. Make friends with all the girls in your house, not just the ones your friends think you should. Strike up a random conversation and make some ones day a little brighter. Try and think of things more of as what can I give to this experience then totally what can I take away? You're at the age now where its time to begin the give and take game.
       Grade: B-

Fourth Mistake: Refusing to say how you feel
     Your ex-roommate would be a prime example. Sometimes, it hurts to say the truth. You care a lot about others opinions of you, and you try not to knock on peoples feelings. You care but sometimes you need to remember its OK to care about yourself too. Rather then build up resentment or sad feelings, sit them down. Talk it out, work it out, whatever. It just makes things so much harder to have things stuck inside. Yes, it is constructive to write sometimes, but that's not going to be able to solve everything for ever.
       Grade: C+

Fifth and Final Mistake: Having too much fun
   You walked out of that dorm room last year having one of the greatest experiences of your life. You grew up, and though you stumbled a bit while you went through all the above mistakes, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to top this year. Well actually, I do know. I'm going to work on everything I mentioned up there and continue doing the fantastic things you started last year.
      Grade: A+

Live it up, drink it down and go to bed each night knowing you did everything possible to make this the next greatest year of your life. Now, stop reading this and go out and start living it up right now.

Peace.Love.Vu.
Emily

Suck it up buttercup, the sun comes around eventually.

I've been creeping through all my awkward 'journal entries'.  I guess that's what you might call them; those Word Documents tucked safely away on my hard drive, which delve deep in the secret recess of my mind. Those things that I have to really trust you before I tell you any part of it, let alone me putting it up for the whole internet to read. Some are sad, some are angry. Some are just thoughts I guess I just needed to let out.

I won't lie though...they make me laugh now. To look back, and hear my own sarcasm bubbling back up through they type face. It's a wonder I even wrote it without my computer catching on fire from the lighter fluid dripping off of each sentence. It seems I also enjoyed the explicit word or ten. It's almost like stepping into the Wooden Nickel on a Friday night in some of these paragraphs.

"I’m pissed. Straight up. I’m not even going to lie about it. I put enough pressure on myself in my everyday life to succeed, to be a good friend, to do what I know is right. Why do I need your technological rants about why I suck?"

I guess its better that I use my passive agression somewhat constructively. That I take these thoughts and mold them into paragraphs of rambles. I mean, it's kind of a ramble this blog post, even I can tell that. But whats the point of having 'a creative mind' if there is no room for a ramble here or there?

Anyways. I guess that fact that I can use my words, both in the technological world and in the real world will serve me some day. The fact that I can blatantly showcase my opinions without this awkward beating around the bush. That I feel secure enough in myself as a person to put my feelings out there, and know that though they may not all be appreciated, they are respected for the thought I put behind them.


"It can’t be all bad to be a nun can it? I mean, look, Maria in the sound of music was happy. Oh, wait. Just kidding.  She found the man of her dreams and ran off into the mountains with his seven children singing happy songs about why lifes great. Screw.That. I’m so done." 

It gets me hurt sometimes, the fact that I can and will put my feelings out there. But what can you do? I think I'd rather be hurt because I voiced my opionins and tried to do something for the good of the order rather then sit back and hope someone else does it for me.

In the end, I write to keep sane. And I think it's best for the whole world if I continue too.

If you want it, come and get it.

There are over a billion people in the world, and over three million of those people in the United States alone. So how can one person matter so much? How can one person have the power to make or break your day. How can that one person be able to shred your heart with a single harsh word, or a lack of a text. Or that make and fake a plan.

I find it interesting, the people to people dynamics in the world. How much we depend on one another, and the gratification we can get from having some sort of relationship with someone. Not a legit significant other, lets date and be committed relationship, but even friendships, acquaintanceship, etc.The want to have someone there overwhelms us completely at times.

Part of it is animal instinct. That roll of your gut that takes your common sense away from you. It switches your life so fast, you never even realized you went from everyday run of the mill Emily, to Emily who knows what she wants. That goes more along with significant others, but I've had it happen with friends before. Lots of times.

The other part? I'd say is how we've been raised. People are put under stigmatization  for being alone; for refusing to make that commitment So what he isn't everything you've ever dreamed of? It's better him then to be what you want, which would be alone.It's better friends to be flaky slut then to be the kid that eats lunch in the bathroom by herself. No one wants to be friends with the crazy chick. Just saying.

So with these three million people, how do you know? When do you know? How do you decide to let go and not care anymore. To let fate sweep you off your feet to the places where everything's sunshine and you can have friends because you want and you don't feel obligated to do it so you don't become an outcast? When do you value your you time more than your us time.

When do you give in to the fact that with three billion people in the world, you won't ever be alone?

Wouldn't you say you were lonely and love was breaking your heart?

Yesterday in my Leadership theory class, we did book reviews. Utterly boring, and I'm not going to lie about it. However, I did hear a thought that sparked that light and kept me awake most of the night. Again. As usual.

A girl was talking about her book, the title of which I cannot remember, and said something. Something that I interpreted as deep. She said that in her book, the author stressed instead of wondering why people are put into your life for your benefit, why are YOU put in peoples lives to help them. 

Different huh? Made me think about it. Why have I been focusing all this time selfishly on why I get these people as part of my life when maybe...I'm here for them. That I somehow have some sort of information for them. That though I need people in my life, that I'm working here to bring something else for others as well. My awkward dry sense of humor, or maybe my understanding that people need to be who they are no matter what being that person means. 

And the more I thought and do think about it, it makes more sense about why I'm here then why they are here. I mean, I also think it goes both ways. Being a part of someones life legitimately is a give and take type of relationship. You give a little, take a little, have a chat, form a bond. I learn just as much from people around me as I can now see they learn from me. 

Maybe that's why I'm in the Vu. To learn from these girls, while they learn from me. Not to mention Momma Bear. It's like what, week three? And I've already had so many FANTASTIC chats that I can barely wrap my head around it. 

I guess its almost like that age old theory that there are three sides to every story: Your story, their story, and the truth. Maybe no one will ever know if fate actually plays a part in who appears when and where in your life. Who knows who gets the most of a life? You or your friend, significant  other, roommate, wall mate, life mate? 

I guess. I need to focus more on giving then taking; that life happens for a reason and I need to accept that. I accept I am here to do something and help whoever it may be. I can't fight it, anymore than anyone else can. It's the circle of life in a less bloody form. 

Dreams only last for a night

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm

So as I attempted to be a mentor today, I used this quote to prove a point. I just found it while doing some assigned reading (joyous, I know) and I already appreciate it quite a bit. 


This girl whom I was talking to is having some trouble figuring things out; she's scared to make the leap and go into the unknown. It was funny to see her face, go from so happy to terrified, just because she couldn't envision changing herself that much. To go from whom she's always thought she's been, to something new she's discovered in college. Rather then tell her what to do, I told her I'd write her an inspirational blog post. Me telling her what I think she should do wasn't going to do anything besides creep her out. So here it goes. These are my words of wisdom, my attempts at being a leader in some form. To show her, and all the other girls why I want to be President (and it's not just for a power trip) 


        Here's my quote of the day.

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

       Just because something might not work out doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Give it all you've got and hope to hell that someones going to be there to catch you when you make the jump. I know I'll be there, whether or not anyone else is. You're never going to know unless you try, and you're always going to wonder if you do. I learned it the hard way; through the struggle of not trusting my own instincts and doing what felt right. I've hurt, disappointed, wallowed, you name it; I did it. And it sucks. Big time.
        So rather then wait for someone to hold your hand, or for someone to get tired of waiting for you to jump, just do it. Give into the thrill of knowing you're 18, at college, and discovering things about life you've never even thought about. You are strong, and wonderful. And you can do it. Yeah, I know while you're reading this you're probably laughing at the ridiculousness at this whole empowerment thing but someones got to tell you. I came back to the Vu to tell all of you guys this. Yes, I didn't know any of you, or had any idea what was going to happen but I did it. Because someone did it for me when I was in your shoes.
         You deserve that. You deserve the chance to have the opportunity I did, and you deserve the chance to  make your college experience everything that mine has been. To make friends with your wall mates, and go on midnight Wal-Mart runs. To jump off Black Rocks with your suite mates, go camping, have movie nights.To just sit, and talk about everything from the last NMU hockey game, to your new crush, to your deepest fears and regrets.
        So this is for all of you. Take chances, and make choices. Know that no matter what happens, the rest of the ladies living here will be there. That no matter what you want, or who you want, or where you want to be, its all yours. Take that chance. Because you can't have success without failure, and you can't have failure unless you try. In the end, failure makes you stronger. Strong enough to support yourself and hopefully next year, the other girls. Because that is what Deja Vu's all about. Taking chances, and knowing no matter what, someones always going to be here to help you brush it off and start again. There's a reason we're one of the strongest houses on campus. I came back, and all I can do is ask that you guys give me the chance to be there for you.

Sometimes, you just have to jump.

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right. -Henry Ford

I'm not sure I like this quote. I understand what the honorable Henry Ford was getting at, but I don't think I like his stance.

I get that:

If you believe you can do it, you can. And you will. It's like what we talked about in my leadership class the other day. Our professor asked us a question about if we thought that women have a harder time getting and doing well in leadership positions. We had to either agree or disagree and be able to support our belief. Since my class just so happens to be primarily women, it was additionally interesting. What kind of floored me is the number of young women who said that it is hard.

I get that we, as a sex, have a pre-determined notion against us that we should sit at home, make sandwiches and let the men do the hard work. I also wouldn't necessarily consider myself a feminist,but I do think that we have a lot more to give than people, or even ourselves give us credit for.

Maybe it's the fact that in this day and age, where people have all the options to do whatever they want, that people still think that women are still discrimnated against. Take a look at history everyone. I hate to break the bubble but everyone is discriminated against, at some point or another. It doesn't matter whether you're black, white, male, female or who you want to sleep with; discrimination happens.

But I think there is a way to break out of it; to change it. Rather then determine yourself as a person in comparison against what others have predetermined you as, make your own choice. So you have a different skin tone. Why should you sit back and hope maybe someday someone will think your can do what you want? You like boys...why wait for someone to tell you its OK to like whoever you want, boy or girl. That its what you want that matters.

I know, same old age ripened empowerment speech. But does anyone actually listen to the hundreds they hear in their life? I was raised by a strong woman, who said I could do whatever I want and then some. I was raised by a strong father who said that just because its hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. I was raised, as I am sure many are, in one life long empowerment speech.

The question is where do you take the speech and when do actually do something with it? I read my door deck the other day from my RA, which was as follows:

 Bro Tip #935 The good news is that one person has what it takes to change the world. The bad news is you have yet to realize that person is you.

I had a slight epiphany not gonna lie. Because there is that point, where you have to take what you've heard countless times before and actually do something with it. To take that self righteous song that you can make a difference and actually make it into something good.

Look at the others who came before and decide that you can follow them. Every fearless leader had something to overcome, a discrimination either from themselves or imposed from those around them. But rather then sit back and wait for someone else to pave the way they took charge.  So where do you draw the line? The line that makes you want to cross it and succeed? I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that its there. And you should test it.

Because honestly, lets face it.

Lines are meant to be broken. 

To wrap it up...

As much as I 'Look Up' to Mr. Henry Ford, I think he's wrong. Because unless you believe you can do it, you are wrong.

Acceptance vs. Tolerance

The other day,  in my political science class, my professor was talking about the academic bill of rights, and whether or not it is a statemnet of liberal or conservatism principles. The class debated, and what it came down to is that yes, they thought it was liberal, and yes it was unfair to the conservatives; that they (the conservatives) shouldn't have to accept our (liberal) ideas if we won't listen to theirs. One girl made the point that they they shouldn't be forced to tolerate us since we didn't let them teach their opinions, to which our professor replied 'But should the liberals accept my brother in laws positions?"*Note:  The professor dislikes her brother in law, due to his white separatism ideals.

Which has gotten me to debate internally the differences between acceptance and tolerance. Needless to say, it had occupied my thoughts for much of the class after these two statements, and I wanted to let my thoughts settle before I ran off a huge blog post about my undeveloped notions.

Now that it's been a couple of hours...well a lot of hours, I'm still stuck on the difference between acceptance and tolerance. According to Merrium-Websters online dictionary, the definitions are as follow:

Acceptance: an agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another so that a contract is concluded and the parties become legally bound.

Tolerance: a capacity to endure hardship or pain; sympathy or indulgence for beleifs or practices different from or conflicting with one's own.

I guess not the total definitions I had formulated in my own mind, but isn't that part of words? To take your experiences and be able to define them in your own interpretations of words...to some extent that is.

Anyways. Acceptance vs Tolerance: Emilys own version.

To 'accept' the ideas of others is much different than to tolerate, and for some reason neither party can understand that. To accept is to be able to say that yes, I think your idea is valid and I want to hear more.You  ACCEPT their reasoning and give it your mark of credibility.  To tolerate is to listen without feeling the need to agree and/or disagree, because in the end, everyone has their own right to their own ideas. No ones asking the other party to ACCEPT their idea as the truth, just for some TOLERANCE,  But for some reason this gets lost in translation.  Liberals are just as stubborn minded at times as conservatives are about their own ideas. Likewise, conservatives can also be shown to have more broad reaching ideas.

All I can see is both parties asking for TOLERANCE, but neither giving it. That is, the common courtesy to listen. No need to comment. But listen. Think. Let others opinions be heard as well..to some extent. I most definitely do not advocate for the shoving information down your throat method, but come on. It's the golden rule.  Don't expect tolerance without giving some. And you sure as hell shouldn't expect acceptance if you can't accept others for who they are as well. It's like the golden rule of life in general, but not so nice. Don't dish out what you can't take, and treat others the way you want to be treated.

Tolerance and Acceptance. Acceptance and Tolerance. Most people can differentiate, so why do politicians seem to think that they are exempt?

You make me so nervous

I hate this weekend.

I hate these three days, and I hate them more than I think anyone knows. I hate them for reasons I want to talk about, and reasons I don't. Just everything about it kind of kills me inside a little. Well, to be honest, a lot.

Now, I don't hate it because of recent developments in my life. They don't help with the three day inner turmoil, but I disliked this weekend long before. To me, it's an ending, stuck right smack dab in the middle of a beginning. It brings back times I had before, and it brings back times I can never have again. It also brings up the promise of new times, but with the hesitancy that comes alone with all new adventures.

If you've grasped anything from my posts, or from me as a person in general, I do poorly with change. Sameness is safety to me. I know that's terrible, and I've definitely gotten better. Believe me. I've grown above and beyond, as far as to embrace change and accept going with the flow. I used to cry everytime a good book ended, or it was time for a break in school.

However. This weekend brings me to things that I have a hard time dealing with. For as long as I can remember, my years don't start in January and end in December, but start and end in those fragile weeks between August and September. That time of year where school supplies begin to sprout everywhere, and days seem to slow to almost a stop. The inevitable end of late nights at the beach, splattered with ice cream cones and sunburns, as well as the inevitable start of 6:30 mornings, bus stops and band class.

It's an end and a fresh start all rolled into a couple of weeks. I mean, I had already cried when school ended the June before, but the tears didn't come with the start. What came with the start was the pit of apprehension, swirling through my body, of the unknown. New classes, new challenges, new accomplishments to achieve.

Now that I'm in college, those feelings come before right before school starts and wreck their havoc. But nonetheless, they come back now, even with the start of school behind me. I try to squash them, and prove to them that I don't need them, but still they come back. It must have been like this when the Pilgrims set out across the ocean. That jump, that reckless abandon that allowed them to fall asleep each night, knowing that they wouldn't sail over the edge while lost in their dreams.  I mean, it's the same feeling I'd like to think. Totally different situation, though I can't help but compare the feeling.

This weekend haunts me. And as much as I want to, I can't seem to shake it.

When you dream of me tonight, am I close to where you are?

Song of the Day: Let Love Bleed Red, by Sleeping with Sirens.

Before your read this, I ask you listen to it. Just to maybe understand where I'm coming from, and to listen to the words that are flowing through my ears as I attempt to wrangle in my own thoughts. I guess maybe just listen to that whole CD in general, but that is the song. Song of the day, the week, whatever you want to call it. It's the song that seems to put it all in perspective.

I cried today. I'll admit it. And I feel like the biggest ass in the world because of it. Cause I'm stronger then this. I know it, and I don't know why in the hell I haven't informed him. It's not the crying that gets me, I'm OK with that. I'm a firm believe that its better out than in with your emotions, and I am perfectly OK with a good cry. I cry all the time.

But what kills me, is what it was over. I'm a strong, independent woman and I don't need anyone to tell me that. I know it, and most days I believe it. But why can't I seem to remember that when it comes to this? Why does it make me weak in the knees, and take me out of the game? Why can't my gut just accept its done, and that it's over. That I was wrong again. That I wasn't enough. That it's all over. And that's that.

OK, so maybe that was over emotional. I'm good enough. I'm more than good enough. I guess I just needed to add the drama to make myself feel better for being so upset. That's the other thing. I don't let myself be upset. And you know what, I have the right too. I try and be the forgiving one, but honestly, I liked the unforgivalbe Emily from high school much better. I have every right to be upset, and I'm going to be. I'm going to listen to Hailey.

I'm going to be mad. And that's OK. I'm going to cry, and you know what, that's OK too. And I'm going to make myself heard. Because I deserve to be heard.