Dreams Thats where I have to go

I've been thinking....again. Such a surprise, I know. I'm also pretty sure that you want to hear about what I've been thinking. A large assumption, I know but since you're reading my blog you have to have some sort of interest in the deeper, mysterious ways in which my brain travels.

To get to the point, I've been thinking more about this whole relationship thing. Don't worry, it's getting on my nerves as much as it must be getting on yours. As much as I don't want to settle, I feel like at this rate I'm going to be alone forever. Which, as much as I kid and joke about moving to Canada so that I can be alone forever, really kind of scares me.

Not so much the literally 'being alone'. I seclude myself often enough because I just need a break from the interaction. I guess it's more the idea that no body wants to put up with me for more then twenty minutes to stay with me for...well, for a long period of time.

It's more the being alone not by choice,  because I don't have anyone who wants to be there. It's one of my fears; my big deep dark secret fears that only comes out every once in awhile. The fear that everyone will leave me and I'll be alone.

Now, I know that this isn't going to necessarily happen. I have a family who loves me, and I have some friends who I'd go to the ends of the earth for, and would do the same for me. But it's just one of those nagging thoughts ya know? Like late at night when you have this terrible fear you're going to die in your sleep and you stay up awake for the rest of the night so a cat can't smother you while you sleep; all the while planning your funeral. Maybe it's just me. but I've definitely had those nights before. And they are no good. No good at all.

I guess the idea behind this rambling is that I don't want to actually be the kid living in Canada all by myself.

That I'm ready to just jump in, and find someone that wants to spend part of their life with me. Even if its just for the next six months, or year or whatever. I'm going to stop being afraid to take the chance. Cause I guess you've got to be left behind by someone who doesn't matter so you can be found by someone who does.