Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight

I have just officially sobbed my way through the "The Hunger Games". Now, I don't want to turn this into some big gushing blog post about the fantastic depiction of the book, or how damn sexy Josh Hutcherson is. I mean, he is drop dead beautiful but lesbehonest people -- I'm a 19 year old chick from da Yoop. I have no chance. But moving on.

Because that's not the point, at all. The point is that it (the movie) somehow hit home. That for some reasons (besides me being an emotional wreck, as always Hannah would say) there was something that just made me feel....vulnerable. You could say that the producers succeeded then, in making me feel my connection to the film. That the actors embodied their characters so completely that there isn't even a blurred line between fact and fiction.

But I don't think that's true at all. I think the whole premise is what got me. Because life is a movie, in that dumb comparison of sorts. That there is always going to be that blurred line between fact, fiction, and that heart stopping thing called life in between.

I think it was the fact that even though Panem might not be happening in America, not everyone has it easy as we do. That out in other parts of the world, that survival game we play as boy scouts is real. That the difference between making it another day lies in the fact that you know your shit. That life or death isn't just a heart wrenching statement before a big basketball game, but something that could really become a true statement.

To see someone so who loves someone enough to literally give their life for them. I can honestly say, as much as sometime my mom doesn't think so, I'd do it for anyone in my family. Sitting there, watching someone (even a fictional person) give the ultimate sacrifice made my chest tighten. Because I knew too well I'd do the same thing for my bearded beast of a brother sitting right next to me. That I wouldn't hesitate. Watching it felt like I was making that choice, right then.

To have to say goodbye to someone who matters, to have to accept that life sucks. To cry until your chest hurts because you can't, won't, will not imagine a day where you can't call and tell them about how your day was. Or sit and watch TV with. Or eat Swedish pancakes, dill pickles and grilled cheese until you could die.

To be at that point, where you just want to forget. To start again, and forget that you ever had a sad day, or a broken heart. That every day brings a new challenge, a new attempt to making things go better then the first time. Like you've got an endless re do button urging you on to the next chapter, knowing that each redo comes with the sunrise of a new day.

That we, are all human. And we don't always make the best decisions, or the easiest.

I don't know if this was one of my deeper, more intellectual blog posts. Maybe it was just the way I needed to organize my thoughts. That maybe the Hunger Games was just the push to maybe throw out some of this jumbled mess I call my brain onto the internet. God knows how great the internet is.

Either way, I needed it.

You were at the top of my list

I just wish I had somewhere to put my thoughts, without everyone freaking out.

I'm sorry I have freaking depressing posts. I just generally need to get my thoughts out more when I can't think straight.

I can't tweet, blog, facebook.

I just want to have some Pensive like Dumbledore and get rid of everything in my head.

I guess that's why I like to run so much. Because there I have to focus on breathing and not whats inside my head.

I feel free

I met some of my soon to be residents yesterday, and I have to say, it's getting real. As nervous as I am though, the look on one girls face in particular just took such a weight off of my chest. She seemed so genuinely excited to finally meet me. To hear that I was older, and that I was really excited as well. I think giving her a face to know was all she needed almost.

She immediately ran over to a table of girls, who began craning their necks at me, and shouting names, and hello's. After one girl loudly proclaimed the question "Are you nice?", my nerves crept back up. After she explained herself though, saying she just didn't want to have to come in hostile it made me feel a bit better...I guess.

I was worried, that I wouldn't be accepted with open arms. I know how girls are. I've seen what we can do to those we distrust, or dislike. But having this tiny run in is the one confidence boost I need to know that I can do this. That I won't get totally run out of town. I know it isn't going to be the easiest. That I've got a long but rewarding road ahead of me. That I'm not their RA they know and love, but that I have the ability to find my own space in their hearts, and lives.

I'm excited. For the challenge, the rewards, the experience, the ability to make a difference. The chance to do something that feels right.

Don't want to break your heart

Last night was breathtaking, It was beautiful, powerful, emotional. I'm still in awe, of all these ladies and one spectacular man who gave voice to those stories.

I mean, I knew they would do well. I had no doubt in that. But knowing how far all of them have come through the emotionally turbulent process was gorgeous.

Hailey says I put the most of the shin-ding together. I don't think so.

I think it was those people who had the courage to share their stories, and those who had the grace to give them voice if they were unable to do it themselves.

I'll take some credit, but only where and if credit was due.

All I can say is they better still call me, because I don't think they understand the impact they've made on me.

Baby come on

I ran today. And it freaking hurt like none other. I haven't been that short of breath in...a long time.

But I'm counting down the hours until I go again.

I enjoyed the mind numbing that came with it. The feeling that I am stronger than I think. Because in the end I finished it.

I can't tell if I'm crazy, or it's just my frustrations getting to me. My frustrations about boys, my weight, my roommate, my job, my classes, my life.

I think it's just a combination of sorts, at the very least.

I guess everything was just so good, life can't but help to give me a couple of roadblocks.

I want to run away but don't know how

I want to run.

I want to put on my new kicks, and set off.

Feet pounding, heart racing, sweat dripping.

I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.
    Accomplishing moving my body.
    Accomplishing the ability to relax once more.
    Accomplishing stretching out my legs again.
    Accomplishing leaving my frustrations, anxiety, fears, tears, and accomplishment on the pavement.

To feel strong again. To feel internally worthwhile. To begin again.

To begin again. 


To begin again.

To push it on the last stretch, to feel my calves tighten up.

To keep going, even when it feels like I can't life my feet off of the pavement.

One. More. Time.

Again.Again.Again.Again.Again.and....done.

Heart slowing, breathing quieting. Sweat glistening, and utter nothing in my brain.

Besides the single fact that I did it. That I've done it. That I have begun.

Once again.

Words can't define

I'm afraid to say everything is going well, almost perfect in fact. For fear of jinxing myself looms above it.

So, I'll go with things are good. Pretty damn good.

But for the life of me, I will not say everything is great.

Lets stick together now

It's the last stretch-- home stretch many call it. Seven weeks of school, seven more weeks of the home we've all created together.

I think it's especially nerve-wracking for me this year. At least, more so than last. I knew where I was going to be next year, at least in some respects.

Now, the next step in my life is entirely dependent on what happens Tuesday.

I mean....it's kind of nice that it's out of my hands. In other respects, it's killing me that the day I've waited for all year is a mere 72ish hours away. This time on Wednesday, I might be the next in line to take over a wonderful house of college students. To make some changes, make my mark, MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I can't lie that I won't miss the Vu, or my ladies. I will. But I know that even if I don't live here next year, I'll never let them go. I don't know if any of them entirely understand how much I'll miss them...about how much I really mean it when this is my home.

Don't get offended Mom, our house is home too. Always will be. But part of this damn growing up process is being able to make a home for myself wherever I go. And this is my home. And these are my sisters.

I know that no matter where we go, who we become, how we change, I'll always have them.

Might not as great of an appreciation post as one I've read before...but I'm too much of an emotional you know what as they call me to get more in depth now.

Either way, (RA or Home) its time for me to move on, and to start my next chapter.

Because it's not goodbye, it's I'll see you tomorrow.

*That goes for you too Princess.