I'd be blessed by the light of your company

Well, there goes the idea that everything's been going well.

Shit. I don't even know what to say.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us

I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now
Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me 
And it's taking me somewhere new

I don't know why I've suddenly fallen in love with this song.

I can't say that I've had someone say anything this terrible to me in awhile

Maybe it's because I can say that  I haven't felt like this in awhile

That I'm doing good

More than good. 

If you believe that everything's alright
You won't be all alone tonight
And I'd be blessed by the light of your company,
Slowly lifting me to somewhere new

I'm beginning to find myself in that place

Where everything is alright.
Where I'm OK

Where  I feel happy,

and where I need to be.
I'm surrounded by people I love, 
and even those not here physically, I'll always have

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well
Since the last time that we spoke, you said
"Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello. "


Please


What a night it is, when you live like this
And you're coming up beneath the clouds,
Don't let me down
All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now
You know, I still can't believe we both did some things
I don't even wanna think about 
Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, 
I don't want anybody else to feel this way"
No, No, No

I mean, it's not like I've had this terrible life anyways. 

But everyone goes through those times. 

Where life doesn't seem right. 

Where your skin feels too tight, 

and it's all you can do to not rip it off. 

Where you don't feel like you belong. 

Where you can't seem to get it together, 
with out a major breakdown in between

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well
Since the last time that we spoke, I said
"Please understand I've been drinking again, and all I do is hope"


Please....stay


I'll admit I was wrong about everything
Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down
All that fun that we had on your mothers couch, 
I don't even wanna think about

Or maybe that's just me.

Maybe I'm the only one. 

I doubt it though. 

I'm a hormonal young adult. 

Jeezus, I cried because I had too much stuff on my bed last night 

to go to  sleep without cleaning it off.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us
What was I supposed to do
You know I love you

I think its because I'm feeling safe. 

And I don't want anything to change. 

I can't deal with feeling lost. 

Please just stay
Stay


-Mayday Parade
"Stay"

Teach me how to..

You were born a daughter. You looked up to your mother. You looked up to your father. You looked up at everyone. You wanted to be a princess. You thought you were a princess. You wanted to own a horse. You wanted to be a horse. You wanted your brother to be a horse. You wanted to wear pink. You never wanted to wear pink. You wanted to be a Veterinarian. You wanted to be President. You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian. You were picked last for the team. You were the best one on the team. You refused to be on the team. You wanted to be good in algebra. You hid during algebra. You wanted the boys to notice you. You were afraid the boys would notice you. You started to get acne. You started to get breasts. You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. You wouldn't wear a bra. You couldn't wait to wear a bra. You couldn't fit into a bra. You didn't like the way you looked. You didn't like the way your parents looked. You didn't want to grow up. You had your first best friend. You had your first date. You had your second best friend. You had your second first date. You spent hours on the telephone. You got kissed. You got to kiss back. You went to the prom. You didn't go to the prom. You went to the prom with the wrong person. You spent hours on the telephone. You fell in love. You fell in love. You fell in love. You lost your best friend. You lost your other best friend. You really fell in love. You became a steady girlfriend. You became a significant other. YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF. Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one. JUST DO IT." --- NIKE


I found this quote, and it's all I can do not to post it and say 'My life'. 


I AM significant. And I'm going to make this life my own. 

I feel like crap.

I already hate having people in general mad at me, but even more my family.

And now my best friend is pissed. Great. And knowing my brother, he'll be pissed for awhile.

I guess maybe it's just time to give up the hockey pictures for awhile.

Because I'd rather give up something like that, then do anything more to hurt him.

Erryday

I made a difference. And that's more than I could ever ask for.

I mean, I had help. Hailey did a lot of the leg work.


But I'd like to think that I did something worthwhile.....

I'm afraid of whats on the inside getting out

Ever just have those days where it seems like things are just falling into place? Like you could just walk on water, and succeed in curing cancer?

My days become this. And I want this feeling to last forever. I haven't felt like this in awhile, and the rush is beyond empowering. It's an natural high I just want to bottle and drink when I'm feeling down.

Tough love

I've taken a swan dive into the pool of self pity.

And thus far, it's an interesting change.

I've been known to indulge into secret jaunts there. To splash in the crisp cool waters, and revel in my own disasters for awhile. I try to stay away from this sweet treat too much though. To steer away from its alluring mirror like surface, the cleansing feeling that comes from just having a good cry.

It's easy to get lost in the woods on the way back from Self Pity Pond. To just give up, turn back, and set up residence where the world revolves around the one and only M-E.  Why leave when life can be on you and your struggles 24-7?

But I can't. And I won't. Because as great as the moments away from real life felt for just a little bit, that isn't real life.

My teeth will heal, I'll do well at selection. People actually care about me, and if I end up forever alone, it'll be by my choice and no one else. Lots of people see more value in me then just my technique with a camera, and actually do like to talk to me about things, not just when I'll have some more pictures up. I won't become addicted to my pain medications, and my severely swollen chipmunk cheek will subside.  Princess won't die, I'll look lovely in my swimsuit when we go and visit Grandma, and all is well that ends well.

I'm moving beyond my quick dip in the pity pool and getting back into the swing of things....

that is, once my cheek starts to look and feel normal again.

All my troubles seem so far away

Overwhelmed.

Straight up.

Did poorly on my first management quiz, getting my mouth ripped open Thursday, have my first exam a week from today, have a pile of homework to get done, have my second exam a week from tomorrow on Chinese Literature I don't understand, I'm feeling slightly alone, am starting the first step in a long string of changes, and I can't fit into my jeans. Well, some of my jeans.

I wish I could eat cake and not get fat. Then my problems would be gone.

And laughing, and laughing again.

I hate when there's tension.

I don't like it. I don't like beating around the bush.

But I know my downfall in many cases is taking things to heart. And perceiving that the tension has something to do with me. Because to be honest, many times its not. We've been taking about perceptions in my management class. About how people perceive the same things differently.

So maybe my perceptions off. Maybe I've misinterpreted not only the actions of those around me, but my own.

I'm trying not to jump to conclusions, or get my feelings hurt unnecessarily. But at the same time I can still feel it. The tensions sitting on my chest, taunting me. Telling me that it's winning. That I'm losing.

I know I shouldn't take other peoples own frustrations as my own personal weight to bear, but sometimes, I feel like maybe if I shoulder it, the tension will ease.

Tension is the cause of my frustration.

There's a song that's inside of my soul

I'm taking EN311Z this semester-- World Literature in China. It's an interesting class to say the least. It's definitely challenging me.

I usually like to pride myself on my ability to understand the written word, and to be able to unravel the tangled web of ideas that authors form. To take a story to the next level, and give it meaning. To take those lifeless pieces of script and make them into something real.  Chinese literature is proving to challenge me, and quite frankly, keeps knocking me on my ass. I don't understand their culture, lives, history. I don't get any of the deep intricacies that make up the web of their lives, let alone get anything coming out of these stories. The doors to the meaning are locked, shut tight. No room to wiggle or even catch a glimpse of the inside depths.

However, I did catch a glimpse the other day. We had just read a short story, named 'Spring Silkworms'. Short version is that it follows a family locked in tradition, battling to make a living raising silkworms. In the end, they all fail and only fall farther into debt. 

Which got me thinking....I know I say on a regular basis 'Life sucks and then you die'. And that's what I pulled out of this story at first.  But then I thought about it. Yeah, life sucks. And everyone does eventually die. But what else can you do? 

Life is one of those never ending challenges, except no one knows what happens when you finish the race. Do you get the golden pass to a heaven, or do you actually just spend eternity in a box underneath the ground? So what else have we been trained to do besides....do what you know is right. 

Do what you know is right.

It's a loaded sentence. Doing things can be hard for some people. Whether it be an actual motion, or a feeling. Forgiveness, cleaning, moving. You name it, the actually DOING it is what hinders people. 

What you know? What DO you know? How can you take all your life experiences and plot them out in a concept map. How do you take the lessons and morals and values your parents instilled in you and make sense of them. How do you decide what you want your life story to hold, and what sort of guidelines you want to follow. So you can do basic algebra and have great grammar. You know that. But what else do you know? Can you die knowing forgiveness, love, hope, trust? Happiness, loss, failure, success? Do you know what it means to be a good person? 

Right. Left. Wrong. Right. What can be constituted as 'right'? Everyone different, and has different things they know. So one person's right can be another person's wrong. I'm sure I do things others don't agree with, but I've seen things in others I don't necessarily agree with either. 

So what do you do with that? How can you do what you know is right? Can you trust that doing what's right can ensure a better life? No rain, no rainbows, but can being a morally straight person set you up with a less stormy horizon? 

In the story, the family did what they knew. They raised silkworms, and they took care of each other. They did their hardest to try and succeed, and to gain a reprieve from the poverty holding their throats. It didn't pan out though. They ended up farther in debt, with the whole village following down with them. 

But they did what they knew to be right. And what more can you ask of a mortal being? 

My parents did what they knew to be right. They've lived their lives and raised my brother and I to be strong, confident people. We have strong morals and convictions. Granted, we have our faults. Everyone does. But they did what they knew to be right, and set us up with the same mindset. 

That's what my grandparents did for them as well. They did what they knew to be right, and lived it out. What more can you ask for? What more can you ask for besides a life that's as colorful as the Northern Lights. That you can look back on and be overall, pretty proud. 

So. Life sucks and then you die. But that doesn't mean you can't live it as well as you can in between. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I feel like I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I haven't been here since high school, and it's an interesting feeling to get used.

Imminent change. That's the best way to describe it. Life as I know it, right this minute, is going to be totally different next year.

I'm not dreading it, or afraid of it. More like excited to get started with it. I think it's the waiting that's really getting to me. My overactive imagination can lead to some pretty scary scenarios.

I guess I am a little apprehensive though. I don't want things to change TOO much. I like where I'm at right now. Mostly.

I mean, there's always something a person isn't happy with. But as of right now, I think I'm doing pretty good.

I'm pumped though. I want to try new things, and get more life experiences. I've been feeling a little bit like I'm in a rut. Stuck in the same old song and dance. I want to meet new people, do new things, have new adventures.

Same time, I still love it. But I guess that's part of growing up. Loving where you're at, but still always wanting some new experiences. Learning to accept change as a positive, not a negative.