I am thoroughly irritated. And this time, I have a wonderful reason why.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of social media, and the convenience the internet has created.

Don't get me wrong. I love the ability to check out the weather instantly, or see pictures of what my cousin down in Atlanta is up to. But beyond that, I am done.

I am ridiculously over those who feel Facebook is the best way to prove their point to the world, the best way to say "Look at me, with my little self confidence and over inflated ego! Check out all my mundane Facebook statuses, and pictures of my cat sitting in the same place it was five  pictures ago! See how wonderful my life! SEE! SEE! SEE!". I'm ridiculously over those who feel like just because we are friends on the Internet someone means that I value your opinion on the picture I posted to show my mom. News flash: I don't.

I am also ridiculously over people who use Facebook and my blog as the means to keep up on my life. For those fringe people like my old next door neighbor, or my cousin who I only see once every three years that I'm sort of close to, yes. This is the perfect way to see what I am up to, and to have the occasional chat. However, for those of you whom I have more of an in-depth relationship with, it would nice for a call. Or a text.

I will admit, that I too am one of these people at times. Who has the tendency to not pick up the phone and would rather just send the quick "Hello!" message on their Facebook wall. But after the past couple of weeks, I have come to the realization -- social media is not for me. I don't really care what you are doing, nor do I really care if you have any idea what I'm doing. So from now on, I'm working to change that. I will do what is right, and make the point to talk to people that are important to me because they deserve more than a fluffy overview of my life. If you are important, you get the nitty gritty, as I would only expect the same from you in return.

I blog, because I love to write. I love to have the ability to express myself and I could care LESS if anyone actually spends time reading it. Especially at this point in my life, with this blog. I am 21 years old, figuring out my life somewhat publicly through the Internet.

I don't write, or share my pictures so that my friends and family know what I'm doing. Maybe if I end up in Missouri or Kansas next year, yes. I will make a blog that I can send out to the family members so they can keep track of all the adventures I am having. Right now? There is nothing that can't be explained over the phone, or over a cup of coffee.

I am blogging to examine the complexities I find in my mind, and the world around me: not so that you can get away with never talking to me ever again.

Yes, I again will admit. I am guilty of posting things here lately in hopes that certain people with their heads up their asses will read it and realize some things. Sort of like a sub-tweet, but a bit more open. Sorry, I do still have the tendency to be an immature college student at times. The thing is, I'm not doing it to get in jabs and barbs that you will never respond to. I want you to respond to me. I want people to feel something when they read my writing. Whether they be agreeing with me, or contradicting me, I am writing to evoke emotion. To practice using my words in a more profound way so that someday I might be able to write a memoir, like I've always wanted to. Or maybe even a novel. Who the hell knows.

The point is, yes. I write to provoke emotion, and I write to explain the things in my head, and the ideas I have come up with. I write in hopes that people will read it and feel inspired, or ashamed, or sympathy or even for them to realize something about themselves they never knew before. How they  feel about an issue, or what their take is on global warming. Goddman it, even if you just decide that you don't like my pictures and you think Cher is a terrible artist, at least you figured something out.

I am not writing so that you can use my internet presence to find out my life. I am not on Facebook, so that you can see who I've been hanging out with lately. I am on Twitter, only because I like using it post the sarcastic comments I make in my mind (though I am on the verge of getting rid of that as well), not so you can have a literal play by play of my day.

I am tired of the social media castle. I am tired of being surrounded by walls built of bricks that come from every Facebook, Twitter and blog post I write. I am not something that is tucked away inside, hidden beneath a pixelated distortion of my life since social media erupted. I am a living, breathing human, with a multitude of thoughts and feelings. My gruff and cold exterior is only for those who do not deserve the inner workings of my mind. Deep down, I am squishy person who is hurt by social media daily. By the carelessness of people, and their lack of consideration for others. Deep down, I over analyze everything I post and everything I read, though I know many people are too self involved to actually be doing something to be hurtful on purpose. So you didn't like my status. Is it the end of the world as we know it? In reality, no, but in social media, hell yeah it does.

So I am done. I no longer seek the gratification of the little red flag, and soon, I have a feeling the gratification of a heart and interaction might be gone as well. I can only hope that page views will not have to be eliminated as well.

If you need to get a hold of me, I have a phone. Feel free to call it. Don't have it? I'm sure you'll find a way to get in touch with me if you need me.

I am seeking friends for the end of the world, because soon, the world as we know it will fall completely to the wrath of the pixels.

Family is forever

"Family is not an important thing. It is everything"

-- Michael J. Fox 

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you,

as you are to them."

-- Desmond Tutu

"My family comes first. Maybe that's what makes me different

from other guys."

--Bobby Darin

"The family is the first essential cell of human society"

-- Pope John XXIII

Blood makes you related

Loyalty makes you family 

"Family is the most important thing in the world"

-- Princess Diana 

Being a family means that you are a part of 

something very wonderful.

It means you will love, 

and be loved for the rest of your life.

Not matter what. 

Families are the compass that guides us. 

They are the inspiration to reach great heights,

and our comfort when we occasionally falter. 

Family.

Where life begins

and love never ends.

"Family are like branches on a tree.

We all grow in different directions,

yet our roots remain as one."

"Ohana means family. Family means no one is left behind,

or forgotten"

-- Stitch

"I sustain myself with the love of family"

-- Maya Angelou

Family is forever. 

"Somebody who appreciates me. Somebody who doesn't blow into town with her dysfunctional past and play mindgames with the boy next door. Somebody who is capable of a healthy, committed relationship and unfortunately, somebody nothing like you."

--Dawson, 'Dawson's Creek'

I want to dance

feel the sweat

feel the beat

forget everything else

besides

the bass 

so low

my rib cage rattles

have a beer

or three

dancing

moving

forgetting

forgiving

moving past

the irrelevant past

feel free

like myself

don't worry

about anything

or anyone

else.

not being ridiculous

to gain attention

 moving

to just slip

unnoticed

into the 

oblivion

of the dark

surrounded by 

people who

i don't know

don't want to know

don't care to know

don't need to know

because

i have myself

and the music

and that's all

i need

no need

for love

or snow

or light

just hitting

the road

of moving past

the past

i'm running from it

but not to stifle

the urges of 

sadness

no

i'm running from the past

because i've learned

from it

and i don't ever want 

to revisit it

the faster i run

the farther i get

and the farther i get

the cleaner 

my mind becomes

i am strong

i am independent

and i don't 

need someone

else

to tell me that

i don't need someone

to feel complete

and maybe

that's why i'm having 

such a hard time

moving on

because i pity you

not because i 

want to be with you

but because i pity

whoever ends up

with your tangled mess

whoever

tries to unravel 

the tangled webs

of insecurity

deep within 

you dark soul

the person who

values them self

so little 

that they give you 

themselves

because its 

the only way

they think

they can 

get you

to love them

the person

who doesn't realize

their own self worth

to realize

that you will always

always

value yourself

over anything else

i pity you

i pity the forlorn souls

who are stuck

in the dark of the clubs

not to find themselves

within the music

but to find someone

because to them

they need someone

to be seen 

as something

i pity those

who don't realize

that they 

already are

something

that someone

touching them

does not make them 

something

what makes them

something

is what's inside their minds

and that

the more they search

in the dark recess of others

they lose 

more and more

of themselves

every

single 

time

that every touch

steals a little

bit more

until 

they are nothing more

than a shell

that they have lost 

what and who

they truly are 

because 

they have given it away

they sold their souls

in search of yours

how does that make 

you feel

to know 

that instead of completing someone

you ruined them

how does it make you feel

to know

that instead of being completed

every time

a new girl 

comes around

you,

yourself

lose the same amount

that in your struggles

to find yourself

you are losing yourself

piece

by fucking 

piece

because

until you value

yourself

you will have nothing

i will pity you

because i know

i deserve more

and that the next person

who will get 

part of my soul

isn't going 

to be 

the random 

guy from Tinder

or down the bar

or from my 

class

it's not 

just going to be

some person

whom i connect with

on a purely

surface

and shallow

level

it will be someone

who deserves it

someone 

who doesn't complete me

but compliments me

values me

and who i am

and realizes

that 

he loves me

before he lets me go

who has not lost himself

and is using me

to forge the path

in his own dark mind

no

it will be someone

who understands that 

even without me

he is strong

independent

and something to be 

proud of

because until 

you value yourself'

how can you value others

and how

can you expect others

to value you?

i pity your

need

to find something

in the beat

besides mental solace

your need for body heat

because eventually

someone elses body heat

will be all you have

Life is too short to be anything but honest and loving. I learned that again today. Holding grudges and anger is useless in world like the one we live in. Every moment is much to precious to be wasted holding on to sadness and despair. Take your time. Remind those people you love why you love them, and remind yourself why you have every reason to be thankful for today, because tomorrow might bring a different story.

Today, I am thankful because I am alive. I am thankful that my family is all healthy, and safe. I am thankful for my friends who are honest and truly care for me.

Today, I am thankful.

Day is done, gone the sun,

From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;

All is well, safely rest, 

God is nigh.

So obviously

I like quotes

and pictures.

So while scrolling through

my hard drive this evening

instead of being productive

I found some of these

Words of wisdom

that rang true to me

at some point, 

or another.

That somehow, I have found again

I hope 

that maybe

just maybe

that these will do something for you

not all of them

are how I feel 

EXACTLY

at this moment

but some of them

remind me of how strong

I am

and always will be

I have stood up for things

and myself. 

I refuse to let myself 

be belittled

or taken down.

I know that I can do good things. 

And now 

is my time 

to do so. 

This,

is my sign. 

For 24 hours, I would like to be a small, pathetic human. Eating cookies, calling and crying for help, and feeling sucked in my own quicksand of self pity. Sometimes, when I try so hard to hold it together, it's like trying to tape up a ball of icing. Some parts are packed in tight, and ain't nothing going to shake them. But here and there, are little stress splits. The goo slips out in the small opening and as much as I try to stuff it back in, sometimes I can't. So then I just feel like some sort of hormonal teenage crying over the fact that my favorite character died in my TV show. When in all reality, it's not a defect that there are small imperfections in my armor. And that sometimes, my hard tough exterior is just a facade to protect me from those people that don't deserve to know the real, squishy soul Emily. But for one day, I would like to let the fluff slip out. Have someone braid my hair, and watch sappy movies with me.Sit quietly, crafting and binge watching Netflix. Wallow in the self pity that comes with becoming an adult.

I think that is why I feel so discombobulated lately. I've spent more time trying to stuff my torn up pieces back inside that I haven't sat back and reflected. Let my fluff hang out for a minute, and ask for the help I need to sew it back up.

I need a break. I need some time to sit, lick my wounds, and think. Write. Read. Take pictures. Get lost in something I want to do for as long as I want to do it, with no time constraints, need for food, previous obligations. I need time devoted to simply me, myself and I. No Native American Art and Architecture, or nagging feelings that I need to sign up for the GRE. 24 hours of plain, soul reviving quiet. Drowning out my anxieties, and refreshing for the new year. I will graduate, in a little over 20 weeks. I will move on with becoming who I want to be. I will not only survive, but flourish in the cold winter plains.

I guess this isn't really about self - pity. Or being sad for that matter. It's about feeling overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with life choices. I am overwhelmed with my desire to do everything, help everyone, be everywhere. I am overwhelmed with the endless opportunities that are waiting for me.

 So yeah.

I guess I don't really have it that bad.

I have so many things to be thankful for. I have forced my residents and family to reflect on it many times in the past few weeks, but I guess I myself haven't.

I am thankful that I am healthy. A bit pudgier than I should be, but healthy. I am thankful that I am graduating with no debt, and a degree in something I love, and I think I am pretty darn good at. I am thankful for my parents, who put up with my sometimes overwhelming need to call twice in a row, just to make sure that they are okay. I am thankful that they too, are healthy. That they have jobs, and livelihoods, and are beginning to find themselves again after spending the last 21 years raising my brother and I. That they have each other, so even if in 20 some odd weeks they are packing me up to go work in Kansas, they won't be alone. I am thankful for my brother, who I know would go to the ends of the earth for me, and who is more important to me than I think he realizes. He is so smart, and I hope that someday soon he realizes that. I am thankful for my grandmas, and that they are still alive, and mainly healthy. That I have the opportunities to see them more than once a year. I am thankful I get to see Grandma Joan for Christmas, and even if part of our day is stuck in the dorms, that I can celebrate the holidays with the people I love. I am thankful for my cousins, even if they sometimes irritate me. I know that right now it's the age gap, and every year they get older, it becomes a little less noticeable. I am thankful for the years I got to spend with Grandpa and Kurt. That I was lucky enough to have them in my life for as long as I did, and to have found memories of them. I am thankful for my friends. The ones who have been there consistently, even when I don't answer the phone. That they still love me, even if sometimes my tough love tells them things they don't want to hear. I am thankful for the fact that I am alive. That I have the opportunities to be educated, and to use my education to make a difference. I am thankful for the fact that even when I try to wallow in self-pity, my mind reminds me of all the things I have to be thankful for, and won't let me. That even if I am 30 pounds heavier than I should be, and feeling super lost because I have no idea how to take the next 12 steps in my life, that there are a million and one more reasons to be happy. Wallowing will do nothing.


So I guess I just needed to write it out. To remind myself to not wallow. That in five days, my exams will be over and I will have a couple of days to regroup, and reset for the next semester. That instead of freaking out about things I cannot control, that I need to start taking care of the things that I can.

Life goes on, whether or not I'm ready to go with it. I just need to remember to be thankful that at least I'm not on a plank in the ocean when the next storm comes along. That life is still worth living, even if sometimes the salt burns.

--My goal for the afternoon -- 

Finish reading for my history class so that I can take some pictures of my latest crafting endeavor . 

I wish I had a bit more insight to share with the world right now. 

But right now, finding some quiet me time in taking pictures

after this hectic vacation

before this hectic end of the semester

might be a good start.