I'm a little dysfunctional, don't you know?

I'm having my mid-college crisis. Maybe it's just another one of those Emily thinks's its a crisis and its really not...but I'm pretty sure it actually is this time.

I'm over halfway through my third semester at college, and I have finally started to realize what I want. Sort of not really.  I know that being an electronic journalism major is not where I want to be though, that's for sure. Which sucks, but I guess its good that I realized that now before I was chest deep in the all of classes and just gave up. At least I know when I'm  close to being really dumb. However, I'm not in that no mans land of the 'Well...then what do I want to be?" I've been thinking and here's where I'm at right now.

I don't want to be a doctor, or a nurse or anything like that. I don't like blood, or drugs or any of that. I had debated about being a psychologist, but lets be honest here: I'd  go Dr. Phil on them. Which probably isn't appropriate when you don't have your own TV show to do so on.

I do NOT want to be a teacher in high school or anything below that either.  I think I could handle being a professor at the collegiate level...but the question that comes with that,  is in what? I have to still find something to specialize in to become a teacher. I can't just be a life coach. That would be reallyyyy cool if it could work like that.  'Welcome to Life 101!'. Hah more like 'Welcome to Failure 101"

I wish I could just be a inspirational speaker. Not Chris Farley style on SNL, but like a totally legitimate one. I could write books about my experiences and totally be the next Buried Life...except a I'd be a girl. And by myself with out a cool posse with sweet accents.

Maybe I could stop wearing shoes and donate all the money I would spend on them to homeless chipmunks. That would be a good inspirational topic.

OK, so thats stupid, but I mean really now. How many people become famous and get to be inspirational speakers these days over stupid things like that. Yes, I might be just a little bit bitter. But I feel like I could do just as good or better with what life experiences I have right now compared to some of the people out there.

But in the end, I guess it kind of boils down to part of a quote I found while doing a research paper on Nellie Bly. What she said really made me think...and made me realize that it's kind of me in a nut shell.

‘I want to write. And I want my writing to make the world better for lots of people. I want to work and I want to do it as an individual, and not be treated as if I weren’t up to a real job because I’m a woman.'

So that's where I am. I want to write. But now where can I go with that?

A reason to start over new

Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

So today was brother-sister bonding day while the rents are off being good people. Today's brother sister bonding really translated into sitting together, watching five movies in a row, and eating obscene amounts of really terrible food. All in all, a successful day, that's for damn sure.

As the night wound down, we ended on our last movie for the night; 'Bridesmaids'. A fantastic movie, though a bit raunchy at times. However, I somehow still manged to garner a deeper meaning from it. 

In general rules for myself, I have high standards not only for myself, but for the people I associate with. I like to take charge, and know that my life is what I made of it. However, I can honestly say I've hit a slump. I can't say I'm depressed, or even anything close. I guess I'm just feeling down. Rather then my normal just get on up and keep trucking, I've been taking the lame route and just blame the world for me being sucky. 

But something Megan's character said hit me, and it was all I could do not to start blogging right then. She said:

"I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution.

It kind of amazed me how she could put my whole (normal) mindset into such a compact, deep phrase. Because its' true. You are your own problem. Yes, sometimes life gives you lemons because the person you're in love with doesn't love you back, or your creepy roommate keeps watching you while you sleep. However, its not the problem that really matters; its the reactions. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'm pretty sure that physics but don't quote me on that one. I'm just an Electronic Journalism Major over here.

Moving on before I lose my train of thought though...For every action, an equal and opposite reaction. So you get dealt a crappy hand. One that involves some awkward scenarios and probably a couple crying fits. But its' not what you get stuck with, but what you do with it. I know, again with all that self empowerment crap but really....its what it all comes down to. What are you going to be able say you did at the end of the day. 

And I can't say anymore that I did nothing, and that I felt sorry for myself. I'm not that person. I am becoming my problem. I need to get off my ass and give it up. No one else is out there (at least I don't think so) that's attempting to make my life crappy. I need to grow up, and stop my over analyzing. I need to realize that for being some one who has high standards for others, I need to check myself at the door and stop being the problem, but become the solutions.

Because how in the hell am I supposed to help make a difference in other peoples lives when I can't even make one in my own?

Tell me that we belong together

I want to write a bucket list. But I don't want to just make a stupid one, filled with things like 'Drink a King size smoothie in less then 10 minutes' or 'Learn how to skin a squirrel'. All things I'd like to eventually learn, but I'd rather be able to share something a little bit more substantial then that. To show that besides being awkwardly and obnoxiously sarcastic, I do think about things at times.

I was inspired after the Buried Life came to my college and gave us a presentation. Totally and completely stereotypical, I know. But come on. How many times in a persons life do they say 'I'm searching for my passion, and all I need is some inspiration." So I just happened to get my light bulb moment (or twitch of a light bulb moment) at their presentation.

I hear it all the time, and I know I say it all the time too: I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I want to make a difference, be a difference. Be a leader, and save the starving kids in Africa. So these attractive Canadian dudes found it by making this project: To make a bucket list, and do whatever it takes to cross things off. Not to mention, along the way they would help others try and cross things off of theirs. Deep right? It all started with a bucket list.

So why can't I find out what might work for me through my own bucket list? So, time to kick off my new long term project.

To start it off though...

1. Get paid to blog
2. Write the next great american novel
3. Be able to take my grandma to Sweden
4. Learn how to play the trombone
5. Volunteer to help diabetes research

Every little thing that you do, baby I'm amazed by you

                                                                   

And it's all in my head, I think about it over and over again

What is a leader? How can you define that, that 'special' characterstic in a person that people think gives them power.

Where do you go from becoming an ordinary individual to one who actually made a difference? And where does the line fall between a small difference, a large difference, a mediocre difference? And who decides if what you did passes the test to join the ranks of Ghandi?

You hear so much about those leaders; the ones like Martin Luther King, and JFK, and Oprah, or even Michelle Obama. So where do their accomplishments become something more, and they get carved into history as 'fearless leaders' and those who 'challenged the way'. So they made a difference. Yes. Or tried valiantly. But I'm still stuck on how they knew they could, or who said they did and walked away?

I get that being a leader that doesn't mean you have to be recognized. To be humble, and know that at the end of the day, you did what you thought was right and helped everyone you could. I get that, so why is it a hard concept for others? I feel like everyday instead of being pushed to be a quiet leader in my own way, I'm being pushed to be the next great -(you fill in the blank here).

Where do people get it in their minds that to be a leader, they have to make the news, or have their voice radiating over every one else's at every.single.meeting. Not that I'm bitter. I'm very glad that some people have already found out that they are the 'chosen one'; Meant to lead the rest of us dim witted college students across the sea and into a land where we go about making the world a better place.

Why the inherent need to focus on how many times they get awards for being a leader, rather then the quiet 'Thank You' from the girl down the hall whose been crying every night since she moved to school? I think that those who work to be better than they can be, then those who work to be better to gain the achievement in the long run find something more valuable from their leadership.

They begin to value what they do for others rather then what others can give them for what they did.