This is the self-empowering blog post, for those who feel like they aren't good enough.
That they don't matter.
That they need to change to fit into
someone else's perception on WHO and WHAT they should be.
Those people that can't tell
where they stop, and they end.
Those people, who just want to know what it's like
to be loved, to feel love, to love.

This is for those days that everyone has, where they don't understand
exactly who they are, or what they are
Where their soul starts and ends, and where the world around them
begins.

This is the moment
where I put into words to maybe showcase
to those around me
those things that I want them to know,
but can't find the words to say to them

This is the post to eliminate my guilt that I don't say
how extremely, incredibly, undeniably important
certain people are to me.

How I fail in showing how much I care.

Because if I don't show how much I care,

those people will never understand.
That they do matter.
That they never need to change,
that those people UNDERSTAND,
that not knowing where they stop,
and where they end,
are just in the journey,
and that they aren't alone.
That I love them, and that deep down, they know
they love me too.

Because they are just as important
as the sun,
the dirt,
the earth,
the birds and the bees.

This is for those people, who are lost
but are waiting to be found.
not by anyone else,
but by themselves.

For them to wake up and realize
that even if the words are not spoken
that the feelings are there
and in the end,
they impact people in ways every day

These are my words
as jumbled and entirely word vomited out
as they are

I just want you to know
that even if other people don't realize it
I do.

And someday, you will too.

Bathtime

5 pounds

I've lost 5 pounds.

And in the scheme of my weight, or the struggles everyone in the world is going through, it's not so much. In terms of personal growth, it's huge.

Maybe as the layers fall away from the outside, I can grow from the inside. I'm already feeling better, and less sad, and anxious. It seems like the troubles from last semester are faint and things that have made me the stronger, more confident person I aim to be.

I will be that person. I will look like who I am on the inside, on the outside. And maybe once I'm finally where I need to be in terms of myself, the rest of my life will fall into place.

One pound, one workout, one blog post at a time.

I'm feeling sort of down all of a sudden. I don't know if it's because of the lack of sleep, or the impending doom of a hard semester.

Or maybe it's just the fact that my girls have finally found a place without me. They enjoy spending time together so much that I'm a second thought. It's bittersweet. I'm so happy that maybe everything I've worked for is happening, but at the same time -- its sort of lonely.

But maybe it's just what I need to start taking care of myself again. To take the time to go to the PEIF, and to read a book, and do my homework.

Maybe in the end, the sadness is what will push me forward, to continue on improving not only my house, but me.

These battle scars

This is the time of year, where many reflect, and look upon their past; while simultaneously making grandiose plans for a future that is unsure as what actually is in a fruitcake.

I could spend the next set of minutes typing up reflections on my life. On this crazy life that I lead. About those people I've met, who I've left, and those who have found a place in my heart. About the experiences that have culminated into the year 2012.

The end of an era, and the beginning of finding a passion.

I could encompass the feelings I've had about certain people, and the feelings about others that darken my outlook. I could reminisce about the scars that have been left from trusting those, and the stitch marks from those who have helped pull me back together, even when I'm too stubborn to ask for help. I could talk about my less then attractive hypochondria, and my success in overcoming my fears of everything. I could dance around the troubles I've had, that I don't wish to share. I could do all of this, and waste not only my time, but whoever reads this.

In the end, the past is important because it is part of the force that has shaped us; but at the same time, it's in the past. Dwelling on things means nothing. If you learned from it, that's what counts. And I could spend the rest of the upcoming week writing everything I've learned this past year. But what's the point in that? It's gone. All it is the foundation for the upcoming year.

Which deserves no place in this post either, then the idea that it is coming. I can go on about my plans for creating a better me, and taking care of myself. To write everyday, to continue cultivating my experiences for the world to read some day.

I just can't find the want to do so though, besides my sarcastic flipping over it all. The point is to live in the present, something I struggle with everyday. I look too far ahead, while getting pulled back by the past, forgetting that the day we are in today was once the future, and will soon be in the past.

Every day overlaps in some fashion, just like everything does at some point.  This post will overlap in your mind with anything else you've ever read on the internet, and it will overlap in my history of  pleading posts for something to make sense to me. Because why else would someone throw out their words for the internet to follow? It's like a portal for someone out there to understand, to find someone who understands what I'm saying. So that maybe my thoughts can click for them, and give them something to reach for.

In the end, this is my post. In the present. I don't know what the future may hold, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to detail the extensive plans I have for the next 365 days. As my life has shown, even the best laid plans need adjusting, and if there is anything I've learned, I need to practice my adjustment skills. What better way to do so then starting without a plan?

I've never been so disenchanted with myself.

I feel fat, and useless. And I feel stupid that I feel this way. I don't value myself anywhere as much as I should, and I hate that during a time when I should be happy and enjoying my family, all I can think about is how I have back rolls, and weird stretch marks from the weight I put on so quickly and silently.

But I won't be the one to let you go

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. -Ally Condie

It's amazing how fast time slips by, piece by piece, through the hourglass we call a lifespan.

I last blogged on the fourth, and now's it's 12 days later. How fast things, feelings, and places in a person's life can change in 12 days.

Ideas, hopes, and what you expect of the future can either engulf you in it's glory of being right, or it can drown you in the dark when things don't turn out as expected.

It's finding your foothold in the slope and grabbing hold as the avalanche buries you alive in the mountain side. It's holding out your hand and accepting the help to come back up from getting knocked on your ass. It's accepting that even as the the eclipse might happen, it will be light again on the other side.

There's always hope, and always room to grow. Things change for a reason, and that's all I need to remember.

Just because one door is shutting behind me, it's only to keep in all the wonderful memories that I've collected. To keep them safe, and to remind me that even though I was just as afraid of that section of my life, in the end you can't grow if you don't continue to move on.

My roots grow deeper, and keep me entangled with those that matter and have and will affect me for life, even if we grow apart in the future. That our lives will stay intertwined behind the closed door and remind me  of myself, and to not be afraid.

Growing up and apart only lets us have more room to grow more and to let others grow with us. No one can grow if we are suffocated.