Have mercy on me

I'm really struggling right now.

I don't want Grandma to die: or to live without her.

But the thought of her being in pain is almost worse. The thought that she is in pain and just can't tell us makes the bile rise in my throat. It feels callous to say, but I'd rather her die and be free of pain. To live the life she has been living; carefree, loving, wild (for 85).

So what do I do? How do I feel? Does wanting her to die so she is free of the pain the easy way out? Could she rally and live life again like she wants to?

I don't know.

I feel selfish. I just keep thinking about "me" and my feelings, thoughts, life, whatever. But Grandma dying affects so many people. She has impacted so many lives. She has lived so many lives. But I can barely think about me; thinking about everyone else makes my head spin.

Death is scary, because of the unknown that comes along with it. It is scary because of the massive change it brings and chaos that generally ensues after. It is scary because it is dark among what we see as light. It happens around us constantly, but we are shielded from much of it because it does not personally touch us. However, when it's long fingers curl around us and wrap us within it's cold folds, we cannot escape. Things take a turn and a dreary outlook descends, enveloping all that we consider ours.

How do I live a life without Grandma?