So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More Compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.

-Grey's Anatomy

Inspiration comes in the simplest forms, and sometimes a simple quote is all the reminder I need to live a simpler, kinder life. 

You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone — profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.
-Danielle Laporte

I love that I found this quote today. It reminds me to my core to cherish myself. 

It's also a good tie-in to a poem I've been slowly working on. 

Maybe this is my sign to buck up, and write it. 

Share it with the world. 

I mean, I have a voice for a reason, right? 

I don't want no mediocre

I haven't written in a while, so I want to share something I wrote awhile back. I've progressed since this point, and feel much less consternation with the male sex, and the hunger and hate that comes along with them. However, I  do like the reminder that I need to work more on fulfilling the words and statements that I so easily shout into the abyss. Habits take time, and this is one habit I'm trying to form. Hell, if I can stop biting my nails, I can sure as hell do anything. As is consistent in my life, I refuse to be mediocre. Now, it's time to start accomplishing that.

I guess what really bothers me is I just don’t understand.

I just don’t understand why you stopped talking to me. Why you stopped replying to me. How you just decided one day to cut me out of your life and didn’t even give me a chance. I guess I just don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me. Why you had to be an ass and stop responding. Why you couldn’t just be upfront and tell me that you didn’t think things were going to work out between us, instead of letting me sit with unanswered questions and mass amounts of hope filtering through the air.

I just hate that I assume it’s because something is wrong with me. And I wonder, what could I have done differently? How could I have changed the course we took by my own words, my own actions, my own being.

I hate that I automatically assume responsibility for a failed relationship. I hate that this embedded idea of being written off as some ‘crazy bitch’ has me accepting responsibility for other people’s actions, and inaction. I’ve worked so hard the past few months to come to terms with myself, and to begin accepting myself for who I am, and who I want to be. I hate that this can so easily be taken away from me by you.

I can sit here and say over and over to myself, that I refuse to feel belittled by men anymore, and that I refuse to let this bother me. But I’m tired of wasting words and my breath on statements that hold no substance. It makes me feel the weight of throwing useless words and proclamations of change into the air, only to have them rest heavily upon my shoulders until I fulfill them. Right now, I have hundreds of statements sitting there. Perched precariously, given life only by my thoughts and my own actions to let them live. And there they sit, waiting for me. Waiting for me, to put substance back into their glassy shells; their silken carcass holding no matter but still weighing more than a hippopotamus. 

So I accept, that my heart feels torn. That my demeanor is sulky at the thought of not being good enough. I accept that sometimes, these feelings are inescapable, as I have sadly been brought up in a world where woman are deemed as crazy, and men are seen as the be all, end all. I accept that I feel bad for myself, because I have so much love and not enough outlets.

I however, do not accept letting you off of the hook.

So this is it. I will have another day long pity party, where I wallow for the fact that I have not yet found someone. The thing is though, I’m open to whomever comes my way. At least I have the chance to find something real, while you cower behind your schedules and responsibility.

So in the end, I feel bad. But I won’t feel bad forever. However, you will.

It's super irritating that a bad hair day, and three little numbers on a scale can cause my day to become such an downer.

I also find it irritating that for some reason, these small reasons allow me to pity myself even though there is no reason to feel bad for myself.

It's ridiculous that I can be so self-absorbed that these simple things could ruin my day if I let them. That the human reaction is to allow yourself to feed into these self-serving and self-loathing.

A human controls their own happiness. I allow myself to be upset due to a lack of weight loss, or ridiculous curls. I allow myself to feel unnecessary pity for unnecessary things.

I refuse to let my own unhappiness become a limiting factor in my life.

Shake the system

I want to get my nose pierced
feel the cold metal
piercing the skin
with a small
pop.
To have it sit
balanced in my nose
a shiny reminder
glittering in my peripheral

I want to get a pink streak
a hot pink streak
in my hair
so that it slyly sneaks
into my fancy up do's
accented by classy earrings.
To have it shine
with a bright reminder
of my dreams
to be a princess .

I want to wear heavy makeup
with the dark kohl
creasing in the lines
that furrow through
my tender eyelids.
To feel the smudge
as I accidentally rub
my eyes
and rub off this mask.

I want to wear high heels
so high that it feels like
you are about to teeter
off of your toes
and into an abyss.
To make my feet
remember the solace
of solid ground.

I want to get a thigh piece
of flowers
and fish
obscuring the hair follicles
and stretching as I squat.
To pulse as I run
to show my hobbies
colored on my skin.

I want to shake the system.

I am dying for productivity that makes me feel alive.
I am dying to be able to feel like I've accomplished something.
I am being suffocated by my own laziness.