“It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past”
When Jennie asked me to come in and speak to you all about “transitions” and give you some inspiration to go along with your vision boards, the first thing I did was start scrolling through my own Tumblr and Pinterest boards, scouring for things that had resonated with me during my own transitions. I like to think of them as my “evolving” vision boards, to sort of help me guide myself through where I am currently, where I want to go and also serve as a reminder of where I once was.
Now, my vision boards are full of quotes. You can see that I started this presentation with the quote up there and I promise, they will only become more inspirational as we go along. Quotes are one of the ways that I’ve found solace in my own transitions, and as I said before, find balance where I am currently and guide myself.
A lot of the problem that comes with transitions is this idea of unsteadiness. That while you are in transition, you are in flux, in limbo of sorts. That you are no longer a girl, not yet a women, if we want to channel Britney. But the thing that people forget a lot (and that I’ve been guilty of many times myself!) is that the transition itself is part of the journey.
You cannot just give credence to where you started and where you ended – the real journey is the middle, the core of your existence as a human.
DISCLAIMER: I like to have a disclaimer in my presentation, lest you all go back to your rooms and tweet about how this chick came in and made some sort of weird presentation about how to handle the transitions that come with being a college student with no qualification to do so. I could give you my resume and job experience but what really matters is that I’ve been here.
I’ve been where you are sitting, probably on those same couches, and I get it. Or at least, I get the feeling of being stuck in-between and not knowing where to go. And I get it enough that I want to share my experience as a third party outsider,
So my first “point” is this –
Honor the space between no longer and not yet. – Nancy Levin
Okay, so lets start with this. Think about how you would have identified yourself before you started school at Northern.
My list includes – swimmer, student, dancer, daughter, friend.
Anyone else want to share there’s?
Now think again – which of those are things that still apply? What sort of identities do you have now that you might not have thought you had then?
I’m still a student, daughter and a friend – but I’m also a feminist, a writer, a published author, an amateur photographer, a dog mom, a runner, etc.
Now – what sort of things do you WANT to apply to you someday? What sort of transitions or changes did you have to go through to be those identities?
We spend all of our lives working towards these “end” goals, but forget to honor the pieces (and the transition) in between them. You cannot be a college graduate if you don’t go through the period of time where you are a college student, just like you will never have a significant other if you don’t work on creating a relationship with them beforehand.
The grey space in-between is what matters – not just the beginning and the end. You are born and then you die – but what about the life you’ve lived in between?
Which brings us to our next point
Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.
So there is a lot of science behind this that I do not totally understand but here is the gist of it – you whole entire life you have ben socialized to be someone.
Whether or not this person is who you actually are, remains to be seen. However, you are literally socialized from birth to eat what your parents eat, behave like they do, believe what they believe, etc. From there, you eventually become socialized by your schooling and lastly your friend groups as you become older.
So by the time you are “on your own” and in college – the majority of who you think you are is not actually who you are.
So by the time you are “on your own” and in college – the majority of who you think you are is not actually who you are.
So you are stuck roughly 8 hours away from home, in a tiny room with someone you just met, and you start to have realizations.
Maybe you decide that you don’t actually like country music but just dealt with it because your friends like it, or that you don’t actually want to eat meat because of the way animals are treated. A
nd that my friends, as simple as it seems, is how you start unwraveling the way you’ve been knit so you can start re-knitting yourself the way you were meant to be.
Now, granted these are pretty “light” realizations. A person could experience a whole range of realizations, from political beliefs, to religious beliefs, from your sexual orientation to your gender identity. The thing is, just like shirt or a carpet edge, once you get the strength to pull out one string – the rest come so much quicker.
Once you decide that it’s “okay” to un-wravel the version of you that was created by others, you’ll be able to more fully appreciate the transition into who you want and are meant to be.
Whether that means becoming a English teacher instead of a history teacher, or deciding you don’t want to conform to gender norms in your dressing any longer – you’ve got to honor yourself and do what feels right to you.
Which again brings us to our next point --
You don’t owe people the person you used to be. You don’t have to talk to people who are speaking to the old you. If they want to drag old you out, and you’ve already left that person behind, they don’t get to talk to you. When you’ve gone from weakness to strength, you don’t owe a show of your former self to someone who just can’t wrap their head around your change.
Now that you are taking the steps to un-wind what once was, and transition into who you want to be – you don’t have to stop for anyone. Not your mom, or your dad, or your uncle, cousins, little siblings, older siblings, old friends, new friends – whatever.
You are no longer who you were three months ago and that is okay. Your transition from “high school Emily” to “college Emily” is literally something EVERY student goes through and to be honest, is a big part of college. Your learning outside of the classroom, as you learn about yourself, plays just as big of a role in your future as what you learn inside of the classroom from professors.
So – again, people will be mad. They will say you’ve changed (like it’s a bad thing) and that you aren’t fun/cool/nice/whatever anymore. To be honest, I’d be more concerned if you were the same. If you hadn’t had new experiences and learned a little outside of your own quiet, sheltered culture of high school.
Which brings us to this
The only constant in life is change.
People change, seasons change, time changes. The only constant is that you have a body and a brain and even then that can change.
And finally
So this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you it’s not scary. Well, it is. But fear is natural, fear is good – it just means you’re growing.
