These battle scars

This is the time of year, where many reflect, and look upon their past; while simultaneously making grandiose plans for a future that is unsure as what actually is in a fruitcake.

I could spend the next set of minutes typing up reflections on my life. On this crazy life that I lead. About those people I've met, who I've left, and those who have found a place in my heart. About the experiences that have culminated into the year 2012.

The end of an era, and the beginning of finding a passion.

I could encompass the feelings I've had about certain people, and the feelings about others that darken my outlook. I could reminisce about the scars that have been left from trusting those, and the stitch marks from those who have helped pull me back together, even when I'm too stubborn to ask for help. I could talk about my less then attractive hypochondria, and my success in overcoming my fears of everything. I could dance around the troubles I've had, that I don't wish to share. I could do all of this, and waste not only my time, but whoever reads this.

In the end, the past is important because it is part of the force that has shaped us; but at the same time, it's in the past. Dwelling on things means nothing. If you learned from it, that's what counts. And I could spend the rest of the upcoming week writing everything I've learned this past year. But what's the point in that? It's gone. All it is the foundation for the upcoming year.

Which deserves no place in this post either, then the idea that it is coming. I can go on about my plans for creating a better me, and taking care of myself. To write everyday, to continue cultivating my experiences for the world to read some day.

I just can't find the want to do so though, besides my sarcastic flipping over it all. The point is to live in the present, something I struggle with everyday. I look too far ahead, while getting pulled back by the past, forgetting that the day we are in today was once the future, and will soon be in the past.

Every day overlaps in some fashion, just like everything does at some point.  This post will overlap in your mind with anything else you've ever read on the internet, and it will overlap in my history of  pleading posts for something to make sense to me. Because why else would someone throw out their words for the internet to follow? It's like a portal for someone out there to understand, to find someone who understands what I'm saying. So that maybe my thoughts can click for them, and give them something to reach for.

In the end, this is my post. In the present. I don't know what the future may hold, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to detail the extensive plans I have for the next 365 days. As my life has shown, even the best laid plans need adjusting, and if there is anything I've learned, I need to practice my adjustment skills. What better way to do so then starting without a plan?

I've never been so disenchanted with myself.

I feel fat, and useless. And I feel stupid that I feel this way. I don't value myself anywhere as much as I should, and I hate that during a time when I should be happy and enjoying my family, all I can think about is how I have back rolls, and weird stretch marks from the weight I put on so quickly and silently.